Isn't it weird sometimes how just thinking about one thing in particular can make a person so sad? Isn't school like that? This week I've had the privilege to get away from it all, learn something new but the reality is catching up to me and I need to go back to school soon. I get so nervous thinking about it and all the people there. They aren't bad people but I just dislike being watched and trying to out-do everyone, trying to prove that I'm the smartest. I know I'm not. In the classes that I am decent in, I always feel pressure because I don't want to let that professor down. I get so scared and all I want to do is crawl into a ball and get away from it all. I keep grudges against friends because I don't feel like they were there for me when I was sad. I haven't spoken to most of them in a week. I was so sad that day and they had completely ignored me, only talking to me when they needed something. I was having a nervous breakdown because there were so many people and I couldn't stand it. I think I have social anxiety. I checked it on Google and I have most of the symptoms for it. Of course the Internet isn't that reliable but it's a self diagnose thing. But I felt so sad last Thursday, I looked at the oncoming traffic and thought about walking in it and letting myself get hit. I didn't do it but I thought about the consequences, what would be the good in doing that? I talked to another one of my friends and I think she thinks I'm suicidal. I might be. I've crossed a bridge twice this week and each time I've thought about jumping off. I don't want to tell anyone about it because I don't know what to do. I'm fine aren't I? I'm just exaggerating. I have a perfect life but recently I just always want to cry. As I'm writing this, I want to cry. I'm so lucky to have my family but I'm being selfish. I've always been selfish, always thinking of me. Is this some kind of karma? I usually feel at home at my school but now, recently, I feel nervous when I arrive in the morning and in class I think about anything but the things the teacher is saying at the front of the class. I have difficulties in math and now I have gym where I'll embarrass myself. Should I seek help? I know I'm not depressed but I get sad so easily and it usually stays for so long. The only cure I've found for it is leaving everything and go on a trip abroad. I can usually look forward to those in the summer, I leave my country for a month and then I can forget about everything but now I have nothing to look forward to. This summer, I'm staying home. All I can do is think about the future and school. I've been away and now I'm scared to go back. I don't want to go back.
PS. Happy V-E Day to anyone that's reading. May the men, women and children that perished during this war live in eternity wherever their beliefs take them.
PPS. I put the Band of Brothers's theme song in the side cause it's quite good, it's of course the short version. I'll switch it up in the next entry.
