Shattered

Part 1

He stared at his reflection, studying every inch of his face. His blue dye was fading, leaving him with almost white hair with black roots showing. His eyes had dark purple circles underneath them and were bloodshot and swollen. His cheeks were puffy, hollow and tearstained. His bottom lip was bright red and chapped with tiny cuts and dried blood from biting it too hard. The upper lip was almost as white as his face. He was paler than usual, almost as if he was a ghost. His eyes were empty and tired, as if any trace of life was sucked out from them and they were just... there.

He looked dead.

He let out a bitter chuckle. He looked exactly how he felt. He opened the tap and splashed some cold water on his face, hoping to erase the proof that he was crying only a few minutes ago. He didn't want the others to know. Crying means weakness, he wanted to be the strong one. He managed to keep a cold and detached façade and he didn't want anything else. He was Min Yoongi, BTS' Suga, Agust D, the cool rapper, the strong one, who the other members came to when they needed a piece of advice. Jimin was there for moral support and he was there to help them solve the problem. They never asked if he was okay and it meant he was able to hide it so good they didn't question it. Even if it hurt sometimes and he felt alone, it was for the best. He never let his heart decide for him. If he had a brain he might as well use it. If his heart told him to let someone know he wasn't as strong as he looked like, his brain screamed at him to keep up the act. Who would even care anyway? He wasn't good at everything like Jungkook, nor as extra as Taehyung, as adorable as Jimin, as happy as Hoseok, as mature as Seokjin or as smart as Namjoon. He was just... there. A waste of space. His dancing was horrible, his singing voice was even worse. Sure, he could rap, but what's so amazing about it? And if his composing skills were as good as everyone said, then their manager wouldn't just decline everything. "Change this, cut that, add the other." He sucked at the only thing that managed to keep him sane for so many years. Sleepless nights, tears out of frustration, nothing mattered anymore. He failed. He was a failure.

He opened his eyes — when did he even close them? — looking once again at his reflection. His vision was blurry and tears were freely falling on his now wet cheeks, his bottom lip was trembling and he bit it as hard as he could, seeing the blood trickling down on his chin. He gripped the sink edges until his knuckles turned white and squeezed his eyes shut tightly, as if trying to hide from whatever was haunting him. He opened them again and his reflection stared back at him, more broken than before. He could see the pain in his eyes, the screaming for help, for someone to just notice and help because he can't do this anymore.

He screamed.

A shattering sound, broken glass falling everywhere, a sharp pain in his hand and something wet dripping down his fingers. He felt them, he knew what happened, but it was so distant, it felt like a dream. A so far away dream.

He kept screaming.

He was tired. He fell onto the bathroom floor, hugged his knees near his chest and kept on screaming until his throat felt raw. He heard voices outside the bathroom door, but couldn't understand them. His mind was too loud. The voices inside his skull were too loud. He could only yell at them to just please shut up, please go away.

The bathroom door was opened and a very scared Seokjin looked around and gasped.

"Oh my God, Jimin, go call Namjoon!"

He quickly kneeled near Yoongi, not even caring about the pieces of glass piercing through his skin, and held the smaller man tightly. At that point he didn't even know if he himself was shaking or if it was the rapper. He only knew this was serious. He had never seen his dongsaeng like that, at first he didn't even think he actually had feelings. But then they got closer and saw how big his heart was even though he acted cold. He noticed how he ignored the haters, shrugging without a care in a world. Maybe he did care, more than he should. His lyrics were always the saddest ones but no one questioned it. How could they be so blind? Yoongi was broken. He was broken and he couldn't hold himself together on his own. The pieces were falling one by one until nothing was left and he was screaming at someone — something — to shut up and leave him alone. He tried to calm him down, to tell him he was okay, he wasn't alone, but it was as if he couldn't hear him. What was he supposed to do? He opened his mouth, ready to try again, but then he heard it. It was a faint whisper, but it screamed how broken he was. And Seokjin started crying too.

"I want to die..."