Shattered

Part 2

When he woke up, he was met with darkness and softness around his body. A bed. His bed. He moved his head to take a look at the clock on his nightstand, but a painful throbbing between his temples made him squeeze his eyes shut. He stayed like that for a while, not moving a muscle, to allow the pain to subside. It was the worst kind of headache, he could feel his pulse in his temples and his head felt heavy, too heavy to lift it from the soft pillow. He thought about a reason for that unbearable pain. He was working too much and was sleep deprived, maybe even dehydrated and kinda starved, but it was never this bad. Only after a severe breakdown.

Then his eyes shot open, making the throbbing in his skull ten times worse. He groaned and pressed his palms on his temples, closing his eyes again and taking deep breaths. After the pain subsided enough to be at least somewhat bearable, he slowly opened his eyes again. He finally managed to look at the clock and it was a little over 4 am. His gaze met the ceiling and he tried to remember everything that happened in the last few hours. It was one of his worst days so he avoided everyone as much as he could, only staying in his bed curled up into a ball. He remembered crying for a while then going to the bathroom. The boys were out for dinner since it was weekend, so he didn't care about leaving the room with his post-crying face. He vaguely remembered staring at his reflection and overthinking. Didn't he break the bathroom mirror at some point? He took his hand from his temple and he only then saw the bandage. Jin-hyung must have took care of it... He felt bad for him, he knew he saw him breaking down. He could faintly remember Jimin and Namjoon being there too, but he didn't remember anything else. Just what did he do?

He tried to fall asleep again, but the pain was too strong. After over an hour of moving impossibly slow to find a comfortable position without his head exploding, he gave up. He got up in silence, gritting his teeth and narrowing his eyes because the pain was absolutely unbearable, looked at Seokjin's bed to find him peacefully sleeping with his duvet covering him entirely, then padded to the door. When he found himself on the hall, the first thing he did was to go grab the painkillers. He opened the bathroom door and turned on the light, which increased his headache to the point where he had to hold himself up by leaning against the now closed door. He took some deep breaths and walked towards the sink, gripping it tightly. He noticed the missing mirror, but he didn't bother to think about that too much. He opened the cabinet and grabbed the pill bottle, then put three in his palm. He took them all at once then went to the kitchen to drink some water. He remembered crying a lot the day before so he needed to make up for the loss of water in his system. When he got closer to the kitchen door, he heard voices. He didn't care at first, even if he was a bit worried because everyone needed sleep, but then he heard his name and stopped with his hand on the door knob. He stood there, listening. It was rude, but he thought he needed to know if it was about him.

"What are we going to do?" Seokjin's voice was serious with a hint of fear. But wasn't he in his and Yoongi's room? Or were those just body pillows? Yoongi raised an eyebrow and kept on listening.

"I don't know," came Namjoon's defeated voice. "I've never seen him like that. Heck, I've never even seen him crying unless it was from gratitude or happiness. I didn't know his mental health is still bad. What kind of a leader – no, what kind of a friend am I?"

"No one knew, Joonie. He didn't want us to know. He wanted to deal with it by himself. I don't know what happened to him, but we need to have a long talk. Preferably without the maknae line and Hobi, they will make him uncomfortable. They're all to loud for their own good."

"I know. We need to get him help. Maybe therapy."

"No, he won't even want to think about it. And it's not our choice, we're not his parents even if we act like it. He's a grown man, he needs to make that decision himself. If he does go to therapy, we need to make sure no one finds out because it will follow him forever. He is already done with every question about his mixtape, I can tell it bothers him. He has the right to be bothered though, mental illnesses aren't seen as actual illnesses here. Many people still see them as a way of seeking attention or just laziness and it's just not okay. Being known as a person who struggled with them in the past is better than being mentally ill in the present. It's bearable in some way."

"Yes, hyung, I know all this, but we need to do something, anything. I can't stand seeing him like that again or knowing he's dealing by himself with whatever is it that's bothering him. It hurts."

"I know, Joon-ah, it hurts me too. But don't you think he'd feel worse if he knew? It's true I never noticed something was actually wrong, but I did notice some other things. I'm his roommate, I've learned to know him even if just a little bit. Let's just focus on talking to him for now, okay?"

"Okay..."

Yoongi hurried back in his room and covered himself with his duvet, not even caring about his headache at that point. He just wanted to rewind and delete everything. Not only they saw him breaking, they were even talking about him behind his back. They were worried about him and he hated it. He didn't deserve that kind of attention. He wasn't supposed to even feel like that, let alone react the way he did. It was his fault in the first place. That was his fault. He could have done something. He could have stopped them. But he didn't.

Good boy. Scream for us. Let us hear your pretty voice.

His head was spinning. Not now, please not now. Memories that were never supposed to see light again were crawling back up from where they were buried deep inside his mind. Hands all over his body, pinning him down and a weight on his back making it hard to breathe.

Touches.

Dirty, sickening moans.

Screams.

Pain.

He realized he was panting, struggling to catch his breath. He needed a shower. He felt dirty. He was dirty. He let them play with his body. He was disgusting.

After a quick glance at the clock – 6am – he got up and stumbled until he regained his balance. The voices inside his head were screaming and it hurt. Everything hurt.

We'll take good care of you.

He squeezed his eyes shut and begged the voices to just shut up. His hands were shaking, his teeth sunk into his bottom lip until he could taste blood and his legs felt like they would give up under his weight at any moment. He felt something wet on his face. He was crying again. He almost left the room with tears streaming down his cheeks and he wanted to punch himself. What if the others were there? Seokjin, Namjoon and Jimin already saw his pathetic self once and he wasn't going to let it happen again. Let alone let Hoseok, Tae and Jungkook see it too. The rapper took some tissues and wiped his tears, hoping to look presentable enough to leave his room. After more deep breaths and with slow steps, he opened the door and listened. He didn't want to run into anyone, especially in that state.

When he was positive no one was in the living room, he closed the door behind him and tiptoed to the bathroom. His skin was itchy. He wanted to rub every inch of his body. He wanted – needed – to be clean. The kitchen door swung open and he froze. Seokjin's eyes widened and they both stood there, looking at each other. No one dared to say something. Yoongi tried to swallow around a lump in his throat. He wanted to say he was fine, he only needed a shower to relax. The elder's expression softened.

"Yoongi-ah, are you hungry?" he asked smiling gently.

He shook his head, not trusting his voice, and kept walking towards the bathroom ignoring the elder's voice. He entered the bathroom and turned on the water. He took off his clothes and stepped under the too hot water, his skin turning red from the high temperature. He could even feel it. He was numb, the only thing he thought about was rubbing himself clean. He was dirty, so dirty.

Seokjin looked at the bathroom door for a few minutes, still processing everything. He noticed Yoongi's red and swollen eyes and his trembling lower lip, he wanted to bad to ask him what happened, to let him know he was there, but he knew the rapper would never talk about his feelings and would hate that someone saw his vulnerable side. So he tried to act normal, even if his entire being wanted to hug the smaller man and just be there for him. But what was he supposed to do? He couldn't do anything without Yoongi's consent, he was stuck there watching his dongsaeng slowly falling apart.