I look once more at the bottle of pills in my hand and think, " if I end it tonight no one would care, or even notice I was gone ". See I've always had suicidal thoughts and I've always wanted to die but I never could because I was too scared to end my life, There always was that part of me that didn't want me to end it and I hate that part sometimes. Life seems pointless to me, i'm miserable I always have been. I'm in nothing but constant pain, its like i'm watching my life slowly break and the light is draining from it until nothing but darkness is left. I see how other people's lives prosper with warmth and happiness while mine is cold, sad, anger filled, and worthless. I am nothing but a person, i'm filled with flaws. No one can love me and no one ever will, I look back at the times when I was actually happy and I envy the old me. All I feel is pain and all I want is to end my miserable life because no one would actually care, I want to cut away my pain. Even though it has never helped and just made things worse, yes I have cut, I have also tried to strangle myself, tried to get hit by a car, tried to take a lot of pills but in the end of all of these attempts never have I gotten through because i'm scared to die. I have thought of countless ways to kill myself yet each time I try I chicken out, because that's all I am. I'm a coward, a disappointment, a regret, a mess up, worthless, useless, pointless, disgrace, ignorant, and stupid. Have I self harmed ? yes of course I have I do it everyday when I wake up, however not in a cutting war or physical at that point. I self harm in an emotional way and sometimes if I really crave death in a physical way. At the moment I would rather die and never wake up again then live another day miserably knowing that I'll die alone because of my flaws. He broke me, made me feel nothing, I now lay in bed emotionally dead. I may smile and I may laugh but it's just to hide the pain, to make you think I'm alright when it's killing me to be alive. I can't feel anything anymore, I'm emotionally dead. I've called the suicide hotline three times in the past two days because god I want to die...but I still live and I will until I finally get the guts to kill myself
