Assault on Fort Kaplowie

Author's Note:  A departure from what I'm used to, being purely comical in nature.  Inspired by an OC by my friend, Gravatea.  Go check her out, over at Archive of Our Own.  Be forewarned, there be explicit language and vulgarity here for your sensitive eyes, aided by the nefarious all-caps, given who I'm writing about.  Oh, and there's lots and lots of explosions, too.

Assault on Fort Kaplowie

"KA-BOOOOOM!!!"

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

A woman's voice screeched over the intercom, making explosion noises as rocket launching turrets released their loads all around the frantically dodging group of five people currently storming the fortress's hallways. In addition to the near-constant explosions trailing their every step, the four men and one woman desperately fought against waves of men near-crazed with fear, aided by the helping metal hands of junk-robots armed with all manner of weaponry. Bullets, explosives, lasers; if it existed and could kill, it was there, harrying the heroes' every move.

"Brick, do something, dammit!" screamed Mordecai as he focused down the sight of his sniper rifle. A loud crack carried over the cramped battlefield of a hallway, and a man's head exploded like a watermelon. The bearded sharpshooter could see his precious hawk, Bloodwing, make short work of another crony. "Get 'em, Blood," he mumbled, his goggles glinting underneath the weak fluorescent lighting overhead.

"You got it, Mordecai," shouted back the huge slab of muscle simply known as Brick, the berserker charging through the onslaught of men to punch one of the turrets to pieces, laughing all the while.

The sniper turned his head to the left to address the male and female duo cowering behind cover. The two had the look of twins, both of them blue-eyed and brown of hair, and armed with matching submachine guns. "Hey, Tweedledee and Tweedledum, get off your asses and do your fuckin' jobs!"

"That's not our fuckin' names, asshole," complained the brother of the two.

"And for the last time, I don't give a fuck. Now shoot!"

As the twins followed his demand, raising their guns to shoot into the onslaught of men, robots, and turrets, Mordecai turned to his right, where he saw a man armed with a rocket launcher, the eyes of his mask glowing green and splattered in blood.

"Steve!"

"Heyo?"

"Keep doin' what you're doin'."

"Heyoooo," said Steve, pumping an arm in the air. He continued shooting his launcher into the crowd.

That woman's screeching voice from before squawked over the intercom, giving her own set of orders to her men. "Any o' you fuckers run and I push the button that explodes all your dicks in one go, got it?! BOOM, DICKSPLOSION!"  A mad cackle followed suit.

A groan escaped from the sniper's lips, and he asked himself, "Why the hell did I take this job from that crazy fucker?"

He thought back to that moment when he should of just said "No" and run to the edges of Pandora.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the death of Commandant Steele and the opening of the Vault, Roland and Lilith had left for some vacation, aka "lover's retreat", on Pandora's moon, Elpis, leaving the other two Vault Hunters behind in New Haven. There, they would languish in boredom and a surprising lack of violence, given where they were, until Mordecai had finally gotten fed up. His trigger finger was getting itchy, so he dragged Brick with him for a much needed dose of wasteland violence. Along the way they had encountered the mysterious masked man known as Steve, in addition to a brother-sister duo seeking glory as future Vault Hunters. Mordecai had said "Fuck it" and let the two join up on a temporary, trial-by-fire basis.