just friends

three

lyle sits up, panting and mind still hazy from his dream. it's fading fast, those vivid images and feelings slipping quickly from his memory. that ephemeral happiness he held just moments ago now replaced with his bitter loneliness. his room is completely dark, aside from the streetlight seeping in through a crack. he sighs deeply, feeling along his bedside table until he grabs his glasses, slipping them on to look at the time on his phone; 2:06am.

he reaches up to rub his eyes beneath his glasses before he soon realise that his cheeks are stained with trails of tears he's suddenly letting slip from his eyes. another sigh escapes his lips while his fingers curl into fists and he suddenly feels like throwing up.

why is this so painfully unfair? lyle wonders to himself. not too long ago, they were so in love. now theres nothing, nothing at all and it fucking hurts.

there's a soft thud on the other side of the paper thin walls of their- the stupid apartment. lyle frowns and stands, hesitantly walking over to the wall that separates his and kai's rooms. he presses his ear against the cold wall and listens intently for any sign of kai.

kai is obviously pacing in his room, the soft, rhythmic thump of footsteps and quiet, indecipherable mumblings seeping through. lyle feels his heart begin to ache and he wonders how something as great as love can also be so fucking painful. everything has changed so quickly, so unexpectedly yet kai expects him to adjust almost instantly.

kai has dismissed their relationship as if it meant nothing to him, as if it meant so little he can just jump back into friendship, as if their love wasn't even something that was of importance to him.

he should've known love like theirs wouldn't last. It was a leaf caught by the tip of flickering flames; it burned brightly, epically, but quickly. there's nothing but ashes now. this friendship is a fucking illusion, they've lost everything but won't admit it. they can't save it. lyle feels as if part of his heart has been torn out, he just wants to curl into a ball in the corner and cry until this pain in his chest goes away, until he suddenly can't cry anymore, until he's forgotten about what loving kai was like.

lyle wonders how kai has adjusted, if he's even feeling half the pain that's stirring inside of himself now. he's so fucking tired. he remembers the feeling, that feeling that ignited within his gut when he and kai first kissed. his heart was thudding in his chest as he leaned forward. he hadn't meant to be so forward, but kai had just looked so fucking perfect, he couldn't stop himself. for a moment, lips had met lips but forever, a feeling had been born inside of his heart.

lyle walks back to bed however, in the dark, manages to trip over some random suitcase left on his floor from his last family visit. he falls forward with a yell and crashes onto the carpet, his left side now throbbing along with his heart, glasses lost somewhere in the fall. light floods the room as the door swings open and kai is stood in the doorframe, concern evident in his expression, however lyle just sees a blurred figure. lyle quickly looks down, wiping his eyes and coughing.

"what?" lyle asks, his voice cold and distant when he'd give anything to just fucking cry into his arms.

"are you okay?" kai asks gently, hesitantly.

of course not you idiot, lyle thinks, feeling around for his elusive glasses.

"I'm fine, I just tripped over," he replies, eyes and body still on the floor.

"it's two a.m.," kai says with a frown, "you don't look so good."

he says this, unaware of his own unnaturally pale complexion, dark bags drawn under his eyes and bloodshot eyes.

"does this even matter to you?" lyle asks, seething with anger and shoulders shaking as he abandons his search and just glares at kai.

"yes of course," kai stammers, edging closer to lyle, picking up his glasses and handing them to him.

lyle slides them on before standing up, advancing towards kai, however only staring at the floor.

"are you fucking sure that it matters?" he asks, his voice unusually dark, steady.

kai continues to step backwards as lyle moves forward, intimidated by him. lyle looks steady, however his hands are in tight fists and shoulders shaking. lyle stops when kai is now standing out of his room.

"why won't you look at me?" kai asks quietly, his voice only managing a whisper.

"because right now," lyle says simply, "I can't look at you without loving you."

and then he slams the door in kai's face and they are separate once more; the fragment of intimacy built up now severed. everything is falling apart, every connection they had tearing at the seams and soon they'll have nothing if they aren't careful.

but then lyle is left wondering if there's anything left to save at all.