You Aren't Enough

Chapter one

Four years later, I still solemnly exist. Why, I have yet to answer. My therapist says I think too much, I think I don't think enough. "Your anxiety's going to kill you." Maybe so. Anything can kill you if you're determined enough. I almost did with a 6-inch butcher's knife. I pressed it against my neck as I told myself "you're not good enough, you're not worth enough, you aren't enough"
I pushed the knife into my neck as my therapist stood and watched.
"Don't do this" He'd say. I pushed harder. I felt my O-positive blood soak my hands. My pale hands. I wouldn't be here today if my therapist didn't wrestle me to the floor and take the knife out of my hand, I think about that a lot.

I think about a lot of things a lot. The time. My inadequacy. The meaning of my life. Not life in general or that of my peers, mine. Too many years of my life were spent holding back tears. Too many "I love you's" left unanswered or simply met with "neat." I know what I am. I know that I'm simply the thing no one wants to state themselves as: a lost cause, broken, stupid, lousy, lost, anything negative a single person could lay upon themselves. I was just the center piece for all this negativity, the negativity of a broken man, the negativity of a single mother trying to hold everything together. The negativity of a closeted gay transgender.

I wouldn't consider myself normal. I'm not sure what others would say. I think about what others think a lot. Am I walking at a normal pace? Do I look normal enough? Everyone hates me, just because I look stupid. I'm retarded, why do I even exist. Why haven't they let me off myself yet? I think too much. I think I don't think enough. I think. What's wrong with me.

Let's just hold in there for one more day. I tell myself that a lot. Why? Why try something that isn't working? I can't keep trying this. I can't keep doing this thing that doesn't work if it hasn't been working for the past sixteen years. My everything hurts: thinking hurts, living hurts, talking about whats going on hurts, life is hard. Life hurts. I've thought about resorting back to pot after so long being sober. Help.