The Darkness in us

why

How did I  end up this way...
How did my heart end up astray
And my emotions washed up
Like the grains of sand
Cleansed by the waves
How did my soul lose faith
Separated from my body
A ragged body just tired
Saggy eyes
That look far away
Onto the oblivion
Asking
How did I end up this way
All my hard work
Ignited a flame
That spread determination and warmth through my body soul and brain
My engines were running
The wheels turning
Thoughts humming
Words tuning
Now the engines are rusty and cold
The fire turned my soul to ashes
The pain started
Words became nonsense
Buried in nowhere
Determination became exhaustion
Success mirrored failure
Illusional
But I'm delusional
I forgot I ever had a name
That made my heart blossom
When paired with a praise
I forgot every lyric of the song
My thirst for knowledge life and love
Quenched by mere existence
Filling the hole in my heart with great depression..
My decision
No longer existed
An incision
Deep within
Cut the fabrics of independency
Strings attached
At every limb
Making me dependant
On the little things
That would keep me alive
My mere existence
Is my only reason to survive
I feel like I'm a mistake
How did I end up this way
I ask
With one answer
"I just did..."
And I can't change the fact
That my soul is profoundly sad
The world's spinning
I lost the only chance I had
I'm living with the regret of my mistake
I have no one to take
The blame
I seek for a sanctuary
One that would give me a little peace
And an escape from my misery
And if only I can escape
I will but the consequences
Forbid my soul
From being free
The only remedy
Is sleep
My dreams
A riencarnation of reality I crave
But it's filled with nightmares
I'm stuck in a maze
I don't know where to go
With my life
No happiness
No love
Just a long etched frown on my face
Wilted eyes that are now colorblind
They look beyond time and space
Into the oblivion
I fear the oblivion
It's where my deepest fears interlace
And become the monster
I've became
It used to be a part of me
But I'm now part of it
It wears my skin
And crushes my bones
It's destroying  me from within
Etching a smile on my face
Like a mere puppet on a stage
Poeple come and go and don't see the strings attached
I look upon the stars every night
For me they're not soulless rocks
They symbolize what's abstract
And not concrete
They give me hope that one day I'll see
The beauty in not just death
But in life itself
People ponder
Genuinely wonder
Where's the beauty in the deceased
In the coldness where life has ceased
But it's  not the coldness I crave
But the peace
A world that  is too perfect to be real
Yet it exists
I have a dream
No I used to
A dream derived from fairytales
I wanted to be beauty
But I'm the beast
It's just how it is
When I look in the mirror
My reflection doesn't look back
It  only looks through
Through my heart that has become bleak
My fading glimmer
My sadness a sea
Drowning me
How did I end up this way
They ask
I shall say
Look inside and you shall see..
That now I want to die
No I want to rest in peace
There's more meaning to this act
Then the one of being deceased
I just want to thrive
Maybe in another life
Cause the one I'm living in
Is tearing me inside
I want to get up
I want to hold my head up
But everytime I fall
I'm crushed down
By gravity
It won't let me get up at all
It's driving me insane
And ripping my lungs
I can't breath
I can only feel
Yet I'm empty inside
How is this real!
I cannot even try
To get up
Cause every time I do
Life taunts me and tells me I'm going to lose
Its laugh is haunting
Sends chills down my spine
Yet it doesn't kill me
It keeps me alive
And I know the only way I'm going to find myself
Is to go out and face the world outside
It's not a dream it's just me
I need to pry my eyes open to see
That's it's just me
There's no gravity
Pulling me down
It's the world going up
While I'm refusing to go with it
There's so much light inside of me
That can make my roads all lit
The haunting laughter is all but
An echo of dispair
My mind pleading my heart to stare
Because the key is in front of me.
Death is not the answer
The only answer is to be
What I used to dream to be
My savior is never going to come to me
If I keep myself locked up in my illusion
I'm my savior
I'm no beast
It's just my mind telling me you need to fight to breath
How did I end up this way
No I haven't
I still have a long way
To travel to heavan
I was born without restraints
I'm going to live
I promise
I am no mistake
.........
But then again
With every risk to take
A piece of my heart is crushed
Pounded and emptied of every speck of life
A part of me just died
And I stuff it with some foam
So on the outside It's looks norm
Like a stuffed bear
It's smiling it looks happy
But noone knows of its despair
Being trapped immobile
I'm trapped in my body
With the thousand wails of my soul
Echoing on the wall of my subconscious
F... this
Why am I still alive
Again and again
It's like an infinite cycle
Optimism then reality sets in
It's a perpetual motion
Because there's no energy
When will this end
When will the curtain descend
I want a reason
I have a purpose
But it's too far away
The closest I can get to it
Is in a dream where I can escape
From this world
But even my dreams are nightmares
You broke me
No I broke me
I broke me
....