Present day...
I don't know how to act anymore. I feel like I've been excommunicated from the rest of society. Is this how those cheesy teenager television shows go? You know, the ones where it seems like only the protagonist feels every emotion known to man? Call me a drama queen all you want, but this is how I'm feeling: sad, angry, betrayed, nervous, humiliated, upset, and lonely. This is too many emotions all at once.
Correction, for any teenage girl this is not enough emotions at once, but to the rest of the world, I should probably figure myself out.
I have never stopped thinking about that night.
Surely what happened wasn't my fault, at least that's what people have been telling me the last three years.
If you were an outsider trying to get the story from someone else here is what they would tell you: Three girls went to summer camp, the summer after their freshmen year of high school. After curfew, they decided they wanted to walk the hiking trail, but knew they would get caught if a counselor saw them out of their cabin after lights out. The only way to the trail without being seen was to walk through the back of the camp, through the woods, and across the lake. Unfortunately, they didn't realize the lake's temperature at night was too dangerous to swim in. Two of the girls jumped in first and tried to swim, but froze on the spot. The one left ran for help.
It was a very convincing and logical story I guess, but the ending is the part no one will understand. The summer camp, the police department, and my parents all came to that conclusion without even asking me what I saw. However, the first half of the story were all the details they all willingly let me share. They never thought of asking me how they died, how stupid of them since I was the only one there to see it. No one even questioned the fact that I swam across the lake too.
Of course, how else was my fourteen year old self supposed to explain to adults how my two best friends in the entire world died if I couldn't even deduce it myself? Part of me believes that it was some kind of monster, but the other part of me strongly believes that that's too childish.
So, I let everyone believe what they wanted to believe and I moved on. I didn't go to my friends' conjoined funeral, I never went back to that summer camp, and I haven't swam (even in a pool) since.
The worst part was the pity everyone bestowed upon me. My parents, Emma and Mercy's parents, my other friends, my teachers, and even strangers in the school hallways felt like they needed to say "I'm sorry for your loss" or "Are you okay" or "It's not your fault".
Little did they know it was my fault. I'm the one who wanted to go to the trail, I'm the one who forced my friends across the lake, and somehow, I'm the one who got to live.
I don't understand how the universe works. Emma was a very thoughtful, responsible, selfless and caring person. She was everything that I wasn't. I told her to swim across the lake and she did. Everything I tell her to do she did, most of the time arguing with me until she gave up. This one time though, I wish she didn't listen to me. Mercy was the bravest girl I knew. She was the most honest, understanding, respectful, and intelligent of the three of us. She definitely didn't deserve to go so soon. They both had the brightest futures ahead of them and because of me, they'll never get to live them out.
I carry the burden of that night on my shoulders to remind myself that everything I do is for them. Every A I earn is for Mercy because she'll never earn one again and every "Hello" I say is for Emma because she treated everyone with kindness.
"Trinity, if you study these biology flash cards I will buy you a box of mini donuts!"
"Hey Trin, how was class? Did you see Ryan today?'
"Tell Ethan he needs to stop bugging me, I have a test next period!"
"Hi! You won't believe what I saw in the store and bought for you!"
Never again will I be concerned with how much time Mercy used to study or how much Emma cared about everyone first before herself. The universe isn't fair and thanks to it, my family packed everything up and moved from The Falls to East Hills at the end of the summer.
I woke up to three familiar voices, interrupting my (what was) a peaceful nap. Evelyn Cooper, Aubrey Jacobs, and Elizabeth Forbes or as I call them: Lyn, AJ and Betty.
They became my three new best friends after I moved to East Hills, but I will never think of them as Emma and Mercy's replacements. They can't be replaced.
I met Betty first because she lives right across the street from me. Her house is literally vertical to mine, and when my family moved in her family introduced themselves to us that afternoon. It was the last week of summer before school started and Betty told me all about how happy she was a girl her age moved in. Betty and I became good friends really quick and that entire week, Betty and I hung out with one of her other friends, Aubrey.
AJ came into the picture only a day after Betty. They have been friends since they were in sixth grade when AJ moved into the house two doors down from mine. We spent our one week of summer together at each other's houses, the mall, and even the county fair. The first day of sophomore year at my new school was less stressful since I already had made two friends.
The last one to quickly join our group was Evelyn. Us four were all in the same P.E and English class. Our English teacher had told us to get into groups of four for our Edgar Allan Poe projects and immediately Betty, AJ, and I were sitting in a group together. However, I noticed one girl still looking around for a group to join. I waved her over, she introduced herself, and has been "Lyn" ever since. Betty invited Lyn to sit with us at lunch and we learned a lot more about her. It surprised us when we learned that Lyn lived on the same street as us, her house right next to Betty's.
I found it kind of ironic that the four of us lived so close to each other, but Betty called it "fate". AJ couldn't believe that Lyn lived next door to Betty the whole time and she has never seen her in the neighborhood or at school, but Lyn at the time called herself a "house cat". She never went to parties, never went to football games, and never had a sleepover. Now that she had friends like us, she's rarely inside her own anymore.
A majority of our time was spent at Betty's house since she was the ringleader. She made friends with AJ when she moved in, she seeked me out, and invited Lyn to lunch. It only made sense.
But for some reason, on our first day of summer before senior year, they decided to waltz into my house and deprive me of my sleep. I love them nonetheless.
"Alright, up and at 'em!" AJ shook me awake.
"Why? You guys act like this is our only day of summer. Let me sleep!" I argued.
"Either get up right now, or start the AP summer assignment..." Lyn teased.
"You suck."
"But you love us!" Betty said.
I literally rolled out of bed, my back making contact with my shaggy beige carpet. I'm not a morning person.
"AP English homework isn't that bad," Betty began, "Read The Cask of Amontillado and The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe, then write an explanatory essay about how Poe uses the Unity of Effect in his works. Easy."
"Easy for you to say," AJ grunted, "Why did we let her suck us into AP English our last year of high school?"
"We really shouldn't-" I tried to save my friends from the lecture Betty was about to give.
"Our friendship officially blossomed in our tenth grade English class and if it wasn't for that project Lyn wouldn't be here and our group wouldn't be whole. Going into AP English this year is a sign that our friendship has reached a level that is probably unattainable to others-"
"But attainable to us," Lyn and I concluded with her, seeing as we've heard this before.
"I get it, I get it," AJ laughed.
