you know that feeling. feeling happy. going out all day to try and get your mind off of anxiety and random panick attacks. all the dark thoughts always following you constantly. Someone twlling you that you should sleep in your room but the heart shredding, brain numbing memorys of your mom getting raped when you were 11, getting sexually abused in the next room when you were in third grade, sleeping in that room crying for days listening to sad songs thinking about your break up with your boyfriend. needing to use the bathroom so you go into the bathroom and look in the mirror and seeing how fucking ugly you are. use the bathroom and go out and on the computer to try and forget about. doesn't work. end up finding a song that describes my whole fucking hell hole of a life with some happy moments just thrown in there. acting your best to try and please somebody but it ends up not being enough. ever. they say i never do anything. i never leave the house, i never do anything physical, I NEVER DO ANYTHING. it's like hearing 5,000 voices at the same time. they never notice all the small things i do for them.after bad things happened to my family, i went down and found heavy thing to try and lift so i could get stronger. Try and protect my family. Now they want me to learn how to pritect my self when i already know how to. I began to learn things that a young girl should not have to know. Just appreciate the fact that i'm fucking alive. if i didn't have certain people in my life stopping me i would 100% be dead already. do you know how many times that i've thought about suicide? Acting like im fine has become a daily act. Easy. nobody can ever be pleased. its always do the big things. can it ever be do alot of small things? they say you get what you get and you don't get upset but when i say it i get yelled at. yelling. i get yelled at all the time. or as the sugar coat it, "criticism". bullshit. doesn't matter if i can control it or not, i still get yelled at. at one point i was getting so stressed out that i was biting myself. the bight marks were deep. in 6th grade i actually thought i was going insane. i'm serious. i thought i was going mentally insane. i would sit in the corner of my room covered in my blanket, rocking back an forth with my thick wood protection sick in hand. no noise whatsoever. i was so desperate for love and attention that i turned to imaginary friends. specifically creepypasta and fnaf. i imagined that they were there for me, that they were nice, loving people. i was so desparate for love that thought of slenderman as my dad. how that started? i swear i saw him out the window one night. nobody could have been that tall, or that skinny. i stared at him for a couple seconds. wasnt even fased. somthing about it made me calm. for the next couple nights i would wake up in he middle of the night to get a drink and guess what? there he was. standing outside the kitchen window. i'de say hi, blink, and he'd be gone. he was gone from then on. i'de call him dad. whenever sombody would say slender =man isnt real i would go .nuts. ide cry my eyes out. i used to spray my pillow with my old cologne so it would smell like a person. and then undertale came out. i did the same thing with them. and i still do. do you know how hard it is for me to just deal with it? FUKING HARD. if i want somthing (wich is not often) i either cant have it, or have hope that i might get somthing that i want and the next week i give up. nothing ever goes the way i want it to. they say thats just how life goes. no its not. yeah lifes tough but people are still able to do somthing thsat i cant. ENJOY MY LIFE. yes i have some pure happy moments, but thats rare. when i laugh or smile it dosnt mean im happy.
