selena's teenage life struggle

chapter 2 Tuesday, march 30

' I brought your homework, girl,' tiara announced as she bounded through the front door ''whew! it's cold out there. calendar says spring, but the weather doesn't seem to know that.'' she shivered and tossed her coat on the sofa. ''Thanks,'' said Selena quietly. '' did I miss much?'' ''same old junk. Busywork. The chemistry might kick your butt, but everything else is pretty easy. you got anything to eat? I just left the library and i'm starved.'' the thought of food made selena instantly queasy, but she heated up a bowl of Mac & cheese in the microwave for tiara. '' dig in,'' Selena said. as she fished for a spoon in the silverware drawer and the bowel across the table. '' Aren't you gonna eat?'' asked Tiara. '' your mom makes the best pasta in the world! '' I already ate,'' Selena lied. she picked at a crumb on the table. '' what's wrong, Selena?'' her best friend asked, cocking her head. ''nothing. just thinking about Chris, I guess.'' ''still hurts deep, doesn't it?'' tiara said, reaching for Selena's arm. '' you don't know the half of it,'' said Selena. ''well, let's see what we can do to make you feel better. you ever heard of a brush and comb ?'' tiara teased. Selena chuckled & ran her hands through her hair. ''i didn't feel like messing with it today. I stayed in bed and watched reality shows & urban hood movies. I started getting depressed though. tiara finished her Mac & cheese, put her bowl in the sink, and said, ''let me braid your hair for you In poetic justice box braids. that'll make you feel better .'' Selena grinned, went to get her hair stuff from her bedroom, and returned to sit on a

pillow in front of the sofa. ''you're gonna need the magic touch,'' she said, handing tiara a comb. tiara turned on the stereo, and the two girls sat in silence in the living room, while tiara softy combed Selene's natural long straight black hair. Selena

could feel some of the tension leave her back & neck as her friend worked. '' Chris used to like your hair braided, remember? he'd call you his mixed African queen,' tiara said softly ''yeah, he was always makin' up stuff like that.'' selena sighted. she shifted her weight on the pillow. '' it's gotta be hard to lose somebody you love,'' said tiara. ''i don't know how you deal with it, girlfriend. i'd go crazy if anything ever happened to adan.'' despite the music, silence filled the room. ''i never really loved Chris,'' selena whispered to the floor. tiara stopped in mid-braid. ''what did you say, girl?'' ''i never really loved chris, '' selena repeated, her voice was full of regret. '' i know i said i loved him. isn't that what you're supposed to say when you're going out with somebody?'' and then she started to cry. ''girl, you trippin', '' tiara said as she put the comb and brush on the table. fine strands of dark black fuzzy hair laced the teeth of the comb. she sat down next to selena and put her arm around her friend's shaking shoulders. selena pulled a tissue out of her pocket and blew her nose. ''i'm for real. i never told anybody this before.'' ''but . . . but you two always seemed to be so happy together, '' tiara exclaimed. '' lots of kids at school envied the two of you because it seemed so deep, so real.'' ''chris made me laugh. he was so much fun to be with always cracking jokes and acting dumb. but i don't know if that's enough to be called love.'' '' he was the most lovable, craziest kid i ever met, that's for sure,' tiara said with a smile . ''remember when he rode on all the kiddie rides at kings Dominion ? his legs were sticking way up over the edge, and he kept telling the ride operator that he never wanted to forget what it felt like to be six again.'' '' that's what i mean,'' selena said, her face a frown of confusion. '' l'm all about helping disabled kids learn to walk, or teaching a second grader how to read. chris was always just looking for the next joke, the next laugh. He didn't have a serious bone in his body.'' tiara looked selena in the eye.''so why did you with him?'' ''be for real! chris was fine and he was fun. but i'm 16 years old! i just wanted to have a good time i didn't want to marry him or anything.'' she sighed. ''isn't a boyfriend just what happens in high school like doing math homework or going to dances or buying new shoes?'' '' i don't know. i never really thought about it. adan makes me tingle when he touches me. i guess that's love.'' selena tried again to explain herself . ''the girls at school say they love somebody until he makes them mad, or find somebody better to love, and then they move on. you don't plan to marry the dudes or have them in your life forever. you just say ' i love you,' enjoy the juicy feelings while they last, then you go your separate ways. sometimes it hurts, and sometimes you're just glad it's over.'' '' this is heavy, Selena,'' tiara said quietly. ''maybe you're just overreacting to all that's happened. maybe you miss him so much that you're just saying this to help you get over all the hurt-you know-' cause he's gone.'' she looked at her friend with concern. ''no, it's more than that.'' selena picked up the comb and began slapping it in her hand. '' don't get me wrong for a while i really did think i loved him. i figured that love meant going out on dates and getting dressed up and making out in the backseat of somebody's car.'' ''that's what me and Adán do,'' tiara admitted. '' i loved being with him. but i didn't love him-not deep down inside where those feelings are supposed to be.'' '' but that's okay, selena. that's no reason for you to feel guilty.'' '' chris died three months ago today,'' said selena sadly. '' i know. it seems like his funeral was just yesterday. i Miss him so much.'' ''i do too. but everybody treats me like the broken-hearted girlfriend. i feel like . . . a fraud.'' ''you two had been . together for a couple of years, right?'' selena nodded. ''but now that he's gone, everybody seems to be expecting me to feel something that just isn't there- at least the ones who still talk to me.'' '' what're you saying' ?'' '' kids treat me funny-like they don't know what to say or something. it's like death is a bad word, so they pretend like they're in a hurry and book out of there instead of talkin' to me.'' '' don't let them stress you, selena. soon enough, when more time's gone by, people will start to treat you like before, and let you get on with your life.'' ''somehow i have a feeling that's not going to happen.'' selena began pulling hairs from the comb, tears spilling down her cheeks. ''girl, what's wrong with you? why do you care about what people think about you & chris? it's none of their business, anyway!'' '' my life is a mess, tiara,'' selena said deliberately. '' you flunk that geometry test that mr. cook gave us last week?'' ''no. i'm pretty sure i got most of the questions right.'' ''your mother sweatin' you about your clothes?'' '' no. actually, she gave me some money to buy clothes just last week. mama deals with stress-my problems añd hers, too-by spending money.'' ''i'll switch mothers with you any day!'' tiara said with a grin. '' so what's wrong? you look like you just found out they're gonna quit making chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.'' selena took a deep breath and looked directly at her friend. '' i'm pregnant.''