Love Sucks //TrueBlood Fanfiction\\

Chapter Four: He Loves Me; He Loves Me Not

"If all our life is but a dream, fantastic posing greed, then we should feed our jewelry to the sea,

For diamonds do appear to be

Just like broken glass to me."

(-Northern Downpour, Panic! At the Disco)

I sat in Eric's office, on his huge desk, dangling my legs while munching on the M&M's resting in the palm of my hand. The candy coating was melting off into my skin, making it look like my fingers were rainbow-colored.

The rainbow reminded me of the Pride flag.

I wonder if I really am bisexual. I must be at LEAST bi-curious. 'Cause when I was like fourteen I had a crush on one of my girl friends from art class. Gosh, she was so damn pretty and talented. She helped me grow as an artist so much. I wish I had some way to contact her. And oh my gosh when I tried to ask Mom about my homosexual curiosity, she told me I was sinning and then brushed it off.

No fucking wonder I've never felt comfortable talking to her about my real-life questions and problems. She wouldn't even tell me what sex is. I had to learn details from reading fan-fiction when I was thirteen.

Wow, I'm just now realizing how many of my issues developed from my mother.

Eric's office door opened and in walked Pam. A cold and dark aura filled the room. (That might be a little too extreme. Pam didn't give me a bad vibe at all, actually. I sensed that she was rude on purpose; she was putting up a cold front; she was afraid of getting close to anyone. I wondered if she treated Eric like that when they were alone.)

Fuck. How am I supposed to deal with her? She's so fucking rude. I guess maybe I should treat her the same way she treats me and everyone else! No... That would be wrong. That would mean stooping to her level. I'm not going to change myself into a worse person to make someone else feel bad for how they act. I'm just going to be myself and not let her phase me.

The scene with Arlene from earlier this morning popped into my head and I cringed. Is she really bad enough to be treated the way I treated her? Maybe I AM the problem. An image of my cold razor popped into my mind.

I waved at Pam with my now-empty, gay (rainbow-stained) hand. (Here I decided to call my right hand my gay hand.) I didn't exactly smile at her, but I gave her some sort of soft expression with my eyebrows. I wonder if my look didn't even convey what I wanted it to. I'll have to look at myself in the mirror later and see what I look like when I make that face. She rolled her eyes and exhaled in obvious annoyance, then walked past me to the other side of Eric's desk and I made sure to stay still.

I felt the vibration of Pam opening Eric's desk drawer, I heard the rustle of papers, and then the drawer shut. She began walking out of the room, holding some file in one hand.

I couldn't help but look at her tiny ass. And the high heels she was wearing made her legs look so long and beautiful.

Okay. Maybe more than a little bi-curious. But, what was that paper? Would Eric mind if Pam was snooping through his files? She probably wasn't actually snooping. He did say that she's the co-owner of Fangtasia. But what was the file? Was it about me? What if they're going to sell me on the Black Market or something??? And that's how they get all their money; by selling women! Human trafficking!

Wow, Thyra, you went to ONE seminar about sex trafficking and now you think it's going to happen to you? Stop being so fucking paranoid! You're not that special!

Shut the fuck up. I am totally kidnappable.

Are not,

Are, too!