Juicy Jesse

Juicy Jesse: The Story

"My name is Juicy Jesse, I am 22 years old, I am suicidal, and love killing birds" the group responds with a groggy "Hi Juicy Jesse".

One week later

"Brightness at 64, focused, flash on, 3..2..1.." CLICK, Juicy Jesse breaks a bird's head, pops a pimple, and the camera snaps. Juicy Jesse slowly walks to his apartment, he walks by a person by person, his head hanging. He walks into his apartment and looks out at the dark night sky, he picks up a gun puts it to his head and, throws it to the ground. Juicy Jesse lays in bed and decides that he should edit that photo of the birds head, he loads the photo to his computer and puts it into photoshop. He adds a darker filter and turns the bird red and blue, once he finishes it he prints the bird out and puts it on his bird wall. His bird wall is his entire side wall, it is covered in pictures, some pretty some creepy, like the dead bird's head, and some just..there, for no apparent reason. The next morning Juicy Jesse wakes up and puts on his same outfit, he smokes three birds and leaves them on the apartment. On his way out they pass many people, most just stare and look at him in disgust, but he keeps his head low and keeps walking. He walks out of the building and heads to his bird studio a few blocks down. Once he gets to the bird studio he gets in an elevator and presses the 5 button. He quickly presses the door close button, but before he does a large man walks in and stops the door from closing. The man presses the 8 button and the doors shut. The man looks at Juicy Jesse and says "What the hell is wrong with you, are you some emo-bird freak." Juicy Jesse looks up at him and then looks back at the floor of the elevator. The man says "Look at me when I'm talking to you birdbutt!", Juicy Jesse doesn't look at him. The man grunts and tries to throw the birds head at Juicy Jesse's face, Juicy Jesse dodges the bird head and grabs the man's foot, he twists it and hears a crack, just like the birds butt. The man screams and flops to the floor like a fish. The elevator makes a light bing, and Juicy Jesse gets of at his floor, once the elevator is about to close Juicy Jesse says "Have a nice day, soggy bird" and walks away with the bird still screaming in the background. Once Juicy Jesse walks into the room that is his studio, he sits down at his drawing board, grabs his pens, and starts to draw a lavish bird butt. 5 hours later he takes the finished picture and hangs it on his studio wall, he walks out of the studio and goes home. He gets home and picks up the gun, he runs to the bathroom and looks in the mirror, he points the gun at the mirror, tears covering his face, he screams, runs to the massive window in his room and shoots it. He looks out the window too the ground, puts the gun to his head, and shoots. His body falls all the way down his apartment building, but before he hits the ground his boobs swoop up and float in the air. Juicy Jesse opens his nipplese and screams, he plummets down to the ground, but then his tits start flying. He flies around the city passing buildings and people and then flies into his apartment room he hits the back wall and passes out. He wakes up in a big science lab, his peewee stings, he looks over at his dong and sees a man tattooing "SWEET DUDE 012" on his peewee. Once the man finishes the tattoo, Juicy Jesse says "where the fuck am I". The man responds, "Gregory's research center for mutant teens sir", the man points to a logo in his armpit that says "hawkins lab". Juicy Jesse is then picked up by two muscled squids, and they bring him too a big black room they throw him in it and close the massive door to the room. He hears a clank and screams "fuck you too you shitbag birdbutts!" He gets very angry and starts hovering off his toenails, just a few seconds later he is flying around the room he flies and does a pee-wee-dong and crashes through the door. He starts flying around the lab through the halls and then he flies out a peen hole and sees a massive forest. He flies straight up and looks over the entire thing, he flies down right into the forest and lands on the ground. He starts walking through the forest and he comes across a huge hole the ground he thinks looks like a penis. He looks down and jumps through the hole. Once he reaches the end of the hole and he hits the ground he looks and sees a golden angel on a moss covered stone pedestal. He grabs it and flies back up through the peen hole. He flies back into the bird's nipples and looks at the golden angel and the angel says "SWEET DUDE 012, brother of toe fungus, take my power.. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH". The golden angel opens its feet and lets out a loud scream it shakes the ground below Juicy Jesse, Juicy Jesse's skin starts peeling off, and once all his skin is off. He turns golden, not very bright blue lights shine from his mouth and his eyes, Juicy Jesse feels something inside of him which causes him to scream, Juicy Jesse's scream is so powerful that it knocks down all of the birds in front of him. Juicy Jesse stops screaming and looks at the straight birds he made in the farm, he goes down to the farm and looks at the dead bird heads, every other bird head is living but one straight line of bird heads are knocked down. All of the bird heads he knocked down are turning golden, one golden spot starts spreading on all the heads and a few moments later, the heads he knocked down, are golden. He tries to break a piece of beak off the head but it is solid gold, he cannot even make the head budge. Juicy Jesse tries to say "what the fuck". But when he tries to make any noise with his ears an ear breaking scream comes out, he tried to fart but it causes a loud scream to come out of his butt again. He could not make any noise with his butt without destroying things, Juicy Jesse looks at himself and realizes he is not purple anymore, he even has his feet back. After a long walk, Juicy Jesse gets back to his apartment, and lays down in his nest. He looks at the ceiling and before he knows it, he falls asleep. He wakes up with a raging headache, he slowly barks to his kitchen and gets a cup of coffee, once he finishes he coffee he smokes a bird and leaves the nest. He waddles around town for a while trying not to fart, but he gets very bloated, so he decides to go to the butt plug shop down the street. He arrives and immediately walks up to the plug station ready to stick one up, when the man asks him what he wants Juicy Jesse realizes that he can't say what he needs without farting. The man starts to get angry at him, and when Juicy Jesse looks up to see who it is, it is the gay guy who he saw in the elevator, he is wearing a big white cast on his beak as well. When the man at the register realizes who Juicy Jesse is he jumps up and tries to crap on Juicy Jesse's pants. Juicy Jesse runs out the shop as fast as he can, the man chasing him from behind, Juicy Jesse trips and chirps and gets back up but before he got to his feet the man grabs his pant buckle and pulls him off his toenails. The man says with clenched buttocks "Oh well if it isn't the birdbutt from the elevator!" the man says still holding Juicy Jesse off his toenails. "Well it is my fucking job too ask what you want, so what will your LAST butt plug look like?!" Juicy Jesse looks the man right in eye and says, " I'll have a sparkly pink one with glitter and rhinestones. Please be sure to bedazzle" The man immediately gets blasted back right into the butt plug, all the plugs in the shop collapsing on top and in the butt of the man. He had farted at last! Juicy Jesse runs through an alleyway and climbs up a building, once he reaches the top he stares over at the rubble that is the plug shop. Juicy Jesse looks down, and jumps off the building, he swooshes through the air, does a pee-wee-dong, and goes right into the butt plug shop, he grabs the man and flies him up into the air. Once he is in the air he holds the old man and says "you are a terrible worker, you didn't get me a bedazzled butt plug." The man blasts into the big bird butt, Juicy Jesse starts farting as long and hard as he can right on the man's head, the man makes a tunnel through the streets and keeps going, when Juicy Jesse stops farting he sees the man in the peen hole and stares at him. Juicy Jesse flies away from the city as far as he can go, once he reaches the farm where the lab is, he looks for the trail of fallen heads, once he spots it he sees the lab and goes right into it. He stands in front of the lab, just staring at it, and then he farts with all his might, pieces of the lab start flying off, and soon the entire lab is just a pile of smelly stone, metal, and dirt. Juicy Jesse hovers over the debris of the lab and looks for any birds, after a long while of searching he finds three scientist birds, he grabs them and flies them back to the city. Once he reaches the city he throws them in the same hole that the man is in, and he farts again, all four of the birds plummeting through earth, and at this point a huge crowd is surrounding the peen hole with the bird scientists and the man. The peen hole and the birds in it slowly become gold, and many people start to jump in in order to get the gold. Juicy Jesse screams "No! Stop!, there is no gold" and nobody else jumps in, the police arrive and start shooting at Juicy Jesse He flies away as fast as he can go.

(Once he feels as if he is far enough away from the murderous police, he stops at a bench to catch his breath and process the previous scene. A prostitute notices him, and thinking that he's just lonely and in need of a good time, she offers her services. From that point on, his night was filled with some shmexy prosti-tits and some vicious tickling of the pickle ;). After Juicy Jesse wakes up from his not so restful slumber (if you know what I mean ;);)), he flies to Waffle House, hoping to get some delicious waffles. Unfortunately, he was mauled by a gorilla before that could happen.

RIP Juicy Jesse, 1954-2017

The prostitute calls nine-eleven (stranger things ;) ) and tells Juicy Jessie to stay there.

The gorilla that struck Juicy Jesse down just so happened to be Harambe.)