Conquering My Demons

Losing My Baby

I slightly open my eyes and groan as I feel intense pain everywhere. As my eyes focus on my surroundings, I realize that I'm in the hospital. The burning smell of bleach filling my nose and the annoying beeping from the heart monitor, makes my head pound the more. None of these things matter to me. Only one person does.

I try to turn my neck in search of him, but its painful and my neck is wrapped in a neck brace. I find him sitting beside my bed, holding my hand. All I want to do is rip out the wires attached to my arm and wrap my body around his sleeping form.

My sudden movement wakes him up. I smile as his sleepy green eyes reach my face. His brown curly hair is an unruly mess on his head, his shirt is half open and wrinkled as if worn in a hurry. He places his lips gently on my hand. I could stare at this beautiful being for eternity.

His raspy voice, cuts through my thoughts. "I'm sorry Ashlyn. I love you so so much. I never meant to do this to you. I just don't understand what got into me." My heart clenches as I watch tears trickle down his cheeks.

The doctor walks in at that moment to check on me. He says that I'm lucky, I could've died. My left leg had broken, my right arm was fractured and I had 4 broken ribs. But when he told me that I'd lost my baby, I couldn't handle it. My sobs were uncontrollable, it felt like I'd been stabbed continuously. I clutched my stomach in agony. My baby was gone.
***
I had lied to the doctor that I'd fallen down the stairs on my way out of the house. I felt terrible about losing my unborn child but I couldn't lose my boyfriend as well. He meant everything to me. I could lay my life for him if I ever had the chance to. Christian's presence alone was soothing and calming. I squeezed his hand as I fell asleep.
I woke up to the sound of Sam Smith's angelic voice. Each note he mustered, clawed into my soul.
I'm never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me.
Cause every time I open up it hurts.
So I'm never get too close to you
Even when I mean the most to you

In case you'll go and leave me in the dirt.

But every time you hurt me the less that I cry
And every time you leave me the quicker these tears dry.

I couldn't stand it any longer. I took a pillow and yelled into it. Why me? Christian had always been so wonderful to me. He had been the perfect gentleman in high school, showering me with love. But when his father killed his mother, he changed.

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Song: Sam Smith Too Good at Goodbyes