A life worth living? - A Bucky Fanfic Oneshot

Oneshot

Bucky strolled around looking for Steve to talk. He then heard Steve's voice quietly coming out of the living room door. As soon as he heard that calm, beautiful voice he couldn't help but smile. Bucky took the door handle in order to enter the room but then he heard something that made him stop. At first, he didn't plan to eavesdrop on them but he was curious. He heard Steve say his name and this time his voice wasn't as calm as usual. Bucky identified to other voices, Wanda's and Sam's.

Uh... I found this in possession of one of the Hydra Agents. I think it's about Bucky. His name is written on it", Steve said, his voice trembling while holding a flash drive in his hand with the name James Buchanan Barnes engraved in it.

"But, what's it about?" Sam then asked.

"I don't know, I can't read it because it's written in the Russian writing system." Steve replied. He then added "That's why you're here Wanda. I wanted to ask if you could take a look at it and tell me what it's saying.".

"Sure.", Wanda responded.

Steve gave her the flash drive which Wanda then took to a computer and opened.

"There's only one file on there, a text document." She opened the document and translated.

"Reynaldo T. Rawlinson – Eliminated", she said, with a tone in her voice as if she was sensing that what followed wouldn't be good.

As Bucky who was standing outside of the room listening to them heard that name, it triggered something in him. It made him remember the cruel things he'd done. He saw a flashback of how he killed that man with a gun. The man begged for mercy but Bucky shot him like the cold-hearted killer he was. Bucky's knees got weak and he sank to the floor, trying to get the images out of his head. He just couldn't cope with the fact that he did this, that he killed people.

He heard Wanda continuing "Edward Calwell – Eliminated."

As Bucky heard that name, it was as if he was back to that day. The day where he killed another man. Somewhere deep down inside he knew that it wasn't really him but how could he believe that when he saw how that man got killed by his own hands.

"Susanne Hertz – Eliminated."

The Flashbacks he had, got worse and worse. He didn't want to feel that pain anymore, he just didn't want to feel anything anymore.

Wanda said a few dozen more names from people of many different countries until she arrived nearly at the end.

With every single name she said, Bucky's pain got worse. He just didn't know if he could live with all the horrible things he'd done.

Then, Wanda stammered "Howard and Maria Stark – Eliminated."

Now, Bucky didn't only have to see how he killed these people. He had to see the pain and the rage in Tony's eyes when he found out that Bucky had killed his parents. Bucky was a murderer and nothing could ever change that.

After some more names, Wanda came to the last name on that list. "Steve Rogers – Mission failed.".

Bucky wanted to feel relieved about the fact that he hadn't killed his best friend but he just couldn't. In the last few minutes, he had to live through every single murder he'd ever committed again. And this time, he felt the pain. He had to think about the families of the people he'd killed. About how they all must have felt the pain he saw in Tony's eyes. After hearing all those names, he couldn't stand it anymore. His quiet sobbing turned into a scream that was so full of pain that everyone who heard that scream, heard how heartbroken and miserable Bucky was.

When Steve heard Bucky, he went to the door and opened it. He found him lying on the floor, tears streaming down his face and him muttering "I... I killed all these people. I remember... how I murdered them. I don't deserve... to live. Why am I alive and... all these people dead?" He didn't want to feel this horrible pain anymore. He just couldn't.

He then stammered "I don't want to live anymore. I can't live my life knowing about all the horrible things I've done. I just can't. I got nothing left to live for. Why would I want to live this life full of pain and misery?"

Steve took Bucky's head between his hands and deeply looked into his sea blue eyes through which he could see his broken soul.

Steve trembled "If you die, I will have nothing left. Everybody I knew died, I even thought you died when you fell off that train. It is a miracle having you back and I can't lose you again. After you died, I didn't want to live anymore. That's why I sacrificed myself. I would never have done that with you still alive but I just didn't care if I survived. Because what would surviving be worth without you? But somehow, we are both still alive and if that isn't a sign, then I don't know what is. So, I'm giving you a reason to live. I can't live without you and I don't know what I'd do if you died. Bucky, I don't know what the future holds but I know one thing for sure, I want to live it with you."

Even with all the pain of his memories coming back, Bucky had to smile. Hearing Steve talking with his beautiful voice always made him feel better. He knew that he couldn't forget all the horrible things he'd done or ever forgive himself for that but he knew that he had to be strong, that he had to live.

For Steve.