Wonderland Short story collection

RUNNING OF TO NEVERLAND

Whoaa, my first story ever to be out for everybody to read!

* This story has a TRIGGER WARNING for mental illness

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I sit in the middle of the exam room staring at the computer screen in front of me. Trying to focus on the task I am supposed to solve. Can not focus. Everybody staring at me, laughing inside. Hearing their fingertips run over the keyboard. Bad thoughts running through my mind as my head turns dizzy. The dizziness making me numb. Hands starting to shake and my heart rhythm speeding up. Suffocating. No air coming into my lungs. Everything is a blur. My mind only focusing on the bad. I need to get out, but my body will not react. All I can do is sit there; shaking while it all turns black. The darkness has found it's way out taking control. My body is shaking hard. Heart beating fast. Not getting enough air. I am screaming inside wanting to get out, wanting to have control. Gripping the table side hard so I won't fall over. Trying, trying, trying. Nothing helping. Finally I get up, taking unsteady and shaky steps towards the door. Getting out taking a breath before I fall down clinging to whatever is near me. Body is shaking. Breath is shaking. Heart is shaking. Mind is shaking. Right there it feels like I am dying, that this is the last I will ever feel. This pain, guilt and hatred.

Laying in bed. Surrounded by the comfort and darkness of the night. Dwelling on todays accident. Not getting it out of my head, playing it on repeat. Checking my phone. Nothing. Going to Instagram, checking out what my old people have been up to. They are happy without me. They are happier without me. Thinking about what they would be talking about, probably me. Me and my stupidness, dumbness. How irresponsible and idiotic I am. That they are glad they do not have to be friends with me anymore. The tears are coming. Welling up in my eyes before falling down in easy water falls on my face. Grabbing a pillow screaming hard. Feeling again. The rush of feelings all running through my body at once. Getting levitated from reality. Not knowing what is real or fake anymore. Seeking the truth, but only finding the demons. Thinking: «maybe this is the new reality» as I fall into oblivion.

    The morning after I am just numb, trying to recover from yesterday as I face the hells of that day. Only able to stare blankly infant of me, but internally I am screaming. Getting through another day at school not doing anything, Getting home not wanting to do anything, but lay in bed until I have to get up and face another day in this world with the people so ignorant to what I am feeling. Everybody so selfish.

    So it goes. Day after day. Nothing changing. Everybody to busy living their lives as I battle my demons again and again. Pain shooting through my body when I meet the people that used to be my friends. The people that shut me down. Through me out like I was nothing when I needed them the most. Guilt building up when I am with the people who tried to care, but did not understand. Nobody understood what I was feeling. They all brushed it away like the dust on your shelves.

So it goes. Hour by hour. Day by day. Week by week. Month by Month. Years starting to go by. Everything a blur of my own reality. I see everybody getting on with their lives. Living it to the fullest. One day I might make it to the store. Another maybe I will meet someone and hangout. Pretending that I am not falling apart. Spending all day and night in bed. Not wanting to live in this wretched world anymore. Dreaming of something better. Something easier.

    Sounding happy on the phone. Wearing propper clothes. Putting on makeup. Hair up. Smile on. No one ever seeing what is behind that mask. The puffed eyes from last night. The scars, still bleeding. Hiding all evidence that something is wrong.

    Nobody will ever know I fucked up again. They all think I got better. Maybe I did. Maybe I got better. But I never healed. The wounds where always there ready to get reopened. They did reopen. And again everything went back. Again I lost it all. My life again a blur of pain. Being scared to walk out the door. Facing the worlds hate. Hate and pain. The shots of pain making me dizzy. The dizziness fading with every sip from the bottle. Stomach filled with pain killers.

    Cramped up in the corner of my room. Darkness surrounding my head. My demons dancing before me. Stopped answering the phone. Not getting the mail. Taking a shower almost killing me. Throwing up the little food I can eat. Lying to everybody telling them I am fine. The pain getting to much to handle. Rocking back and forth not knowing what to do anymore.

One morning having had enough. Getting up. Walking out. Walking and walking and walking. Then climbing up. Climbing so high I can get. Standing there. Watching the world moving on underneath me. People hustling and rushing away. Minding themselves. Sending out one last goodbye. Telling them all: «Goodbye, now I will finally be happy.» Taking one step. And I am falling. Falling to eternity in Neverland.