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Day 10

"Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude. It is a choice, not a result. Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy. No person will make you happy unless you descide to be happy. Your happiness will not come to you. It can only come from you."

Day 10 - Happiness

"Sorry about the mess." I say, tossing some toys off of my bed. "A little girl came in last night and she played in my room. She forgot to clean up."

Maggie's lips stretch into a smile. "It's okay. I'll help you clean up if you want."

I shrug. "Oh, no. You don't have to do that."

"I want to help." Maggie answers.

"Okay. But you should watch out, stepping on a Lego is painful!" I reply with a smile.

I clean up my bed, while Maggie bends down and cleans up the floor. As I put the toys in a trunk, I see Maggie looking questioningly at something that's under my bed.

"Hey Alex," Maggie begins to say, clearing her throat, "Why do you have a plushy lion under your bed?"

I hesitate, biting my lip as I weigh up the scenarios of answering the question or not answering it. "That was my sister's stuffed animal. She used to play with it all the time, it was her best friend."

I sigh heavily. "She gave it to me before she went away."

"What is his name?" Maggie asks, smiling at it.

"She wasn't that creative, so she named him Leo the lion." I answer, taking the little lion in my hands.

"That is so cute."

"Yeah, my Dad got it for her when she came to live with my family."

"How come that she gave it to you?" Maggie replies.

I look down at the small animal. I still remember when Kara gave this to me, the night before she left me alone at the orphanage.

"This is Leo the lion, he was mine but now he's yours. He's very brave and he's always happy with that smile on his face."  Kara had said, smiling with tears in her eyes.

"I know that you adore Leo. Why are you giving him to me?"  I had replied in a whisper.

"Because he's brave, Alex, and you're sad that I'm leaving. This animal, Leo, will be brave for you, so you don't have to be." Kara had uttered. "And he's always happy, too. You'll smile when you'll look at him. You will think of me and you will know that I will always be with you."

I took the small lion and, for the first time since Kara said that she was going away, smiled.

"That story is beautiful." Maggie says, chuckling slightly.

"That was the first time I had smiled." I reply, looking at the small toy. "I was heartbroken when I heard that Kara was going to leave me. Despite that we were going to be separated, Kara had managed to make me smile."

Maggie chuckles. "Well, you have a beautiful smile."

"I don't." I try to say.

"I mean it. You are beautiful, Alex." Maggie says, smiling with amusement shining in her brown eyes.

My head snaps towards her, as I do a double take to make sure if I heard her correctly.

Maggie Sawyer called me beautiful.

I want to feel happy, but I just can't.

All I feel is anger, pain and confusion.

I give Maggie what is supposed to be a bright and cheery smile, but I know that she can see the single tear rolling slowly down the left side of my face.

I see Maggie's face falling, her hand latching onto my wrist. "I can see that something is bothering you. What is it?"

I realize that Maggie is making me happy, and I can't be happy. I don't deserve to feel good. Maggie is only here, because I made a deal with her. I don't want this flirting crap that Maggie did to make me feel loving and on edge.

"You won't understand." I answer, my voice rough and scratching my throat with every syllable of every word.

"Wait, what's wrong with you Alex?"

My face flashes with pain. "I'm happy!"

Maggie looks really worried about me. "What's wrong with that?"

My eyes start to tear up. "My parents are dead and I'm an orphan and all. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. There are demons in my head and their words haunt me and make me feel worthless. I'm on my downward spiral. I can feel the depression taking over."

"Please Alex, listen to me." Maggie says desperately, as if her life depends on it, "There's always someone out there who's pain is worse than yours, but that doesn't make it any less valid. Stop feeling guilty for feeling bad. If you're hurting or depressed, be good to yourself. You deserve happiness just as much as the next person. Do what you need to do to feel better and live a happy, healthy life."

Maggie pulls me close to her, my body pressed up against hers. We sit there in silence, love ripping through each of our hearts, filling the air around us.

"H-How can I be happy when the world doesn't want me to be?" I ask, stuttering a little.

Maggie buries her head into my neck, breathing me in. "Promise me something. Each morning when you open your eyes, you are going to say to yourself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

"Do you really think I can be happy?"

"Yes! I know so. You have to think about happiness, look for the happiness, seize the happiness and believe with all of your heart that you deserve happiness." Maggie answers, her cold fingers brushing against my cheek softly, so gently it's almost ghostly.

I let out a deep sigh and just allow myself to exist in this moment; Maggie and I, us. Two bodies, two souls, two hearts.

"Do you promise?" Maggie asks, holding me in her embrace.

"I promise."