Too Beautiful For the Alpha

Chapter 20

James is no good. James is bad for me, for my mental health, my physical health, my everything. I let him fool me, I let myself believe that he cared for me. Thinking about it makes me furious with myself. How could I let him in? How could I kiss him and lay in bed with him? For all I know, he could have strangled me in my sleep. He could have contemplated suffocating me with the pillow he laid his head on.

How could he hurt me again? How could I let him?

James was never going to bring me back and love me like I let myself believe. I want to yell at him and never see him again at the same time. He's embarrassed me in front of my Alpha, gave me hope when there was none, and has the guts to lay in my bed with me, knowing that everything he's been feeding me is lies. He is a monster. He is cruel and manipulative.

After fleeing the pack house like an idiot, I locked myself in my bedroom, ignoring my mother's questions and abandoning my plans with Noah. For hours I have been in here, and for hours I plan to stay.

What will I do the next time he comes? Get Alpha Waters? Hide? Confront him in a rage of fury like I so badly want to do? He's probably been sleeping with her, on top of this. She's probably wearing my pajama shirt just so he can imagine the scent coming from her, and here I've been, waiting like a fool. Here I've been, staring out my window, naive and optimistic, waiting for him to emerge from the trees every night.

"Rae?" My mother softly calls from the other side of my door along with knocking. "Didn't you have plans with Noah today? Do you want me to tell him you don't feel well? Do you want me to reschedule?"

I don't answer. I haven't answered the last two times either.

"Oh, Rae, will you just tell me what happened? Unlock the door so we can talk."

"You don't understand," I murmur, not wanting to hear her say 'I told you so.'

"Honey, what happened? Is it Noah? Did he do something?"

I roll over in bed, constantly hot-headed with her. "No, mom. It's not Noah. Nothing is about Noah!"

My mother sighs, jiggling the handle. "You're an adult, act like one and open the door. You're not sixteen anymore, you can't cry all day in your room and hate everyone."

I can feel my mother growing impatient. "Please just leave me alone. Please go."

"Rae, open this door right—"

"I'm not letting you in, so just leave me," I cry out.

She hits the door. "Fine. Cry. Be glad you're not a Luna because they don't act like this. They aren't babied by their mother's, they don't lock themselves away. You wouldn't have made even a decent Luna!"

Her footsteps grow quiet.

* * *

December 29th, 1991

James has agreed to try for another baby in the new year. I am excited for the possibility of a new life, another chance, but frightened by the possibility of losing another baby to her. She watches over me like a tyrant, ready to swipe.

Things will be better in the new year, I can feel it. With the new year will come a new diary and it will be filled with happiness, unlike this one. That will be my promise to myself, to write only of happy things. Hopefully, the journey of my pregnancy will be written in it, all the wonderful aches, emotions, sensations—

A sudden knock at my door pulls me away. Expecting it to be my mother, I groan, but it's not.

"Rae? It's Noah. Your mother asked me to come by."