When Darkness Turns to Light

If I Lose Myself

Her breath was heavy and rhythmic. The sound of the humming cicada's was enough to put her to sleep hours ago. The warm summer air made it even more likely for her fall asleep. The [h/c] haired girl was resting her head on a boy no older than her, who happened to be enjoying the company of the sleeping girl. His amber eyes flitted from her to the awakening lightning bugs. They circled high and low around the tall, luscious green grass. The sound of the cicada's hadn't stopped one bit, and the night was only beginning.

The boy sighed, and gently shook his companion, alerting her that the lightning bugs had finally come out. Her eyebrow's furrowed in confusion, and she only snuggled closer to him. He shook her once again, and only then did she open one [e/c] eye; much like an agitated cat. She widened her sleepy eyes at the sight of the bugs. To her, it looked like the stars from the heavens above had come down for the night. To the boy, it was just a bunch of bugs. He mumbled something incoherent to her, but she only sat there with her mouth shaped like an 'O'. Her eyes were illuminated by the flickering lights, and the boy couldn't help but look over at her smiling form. The sight made him feel better about waking her; after all, this was why she wanted to stay up late. The moon gleamed in the night sky, casting its light over everything, making things look serene and peaceful. A gentle breeze came through and tousled the girl's [h/l] [h/c] hair. She stood up and stretched as a cat would after a satisfying nap. Her white night gown was gently swaying with the breeze, and she held her hand out to the boy next to her.

He accepted her hand, and she pulled him up with ease. The grass had indents from where they were just sitting, and so were the imprints of their feet. Grass clung to the boy's shorts and the girl's hair from lying down earlier. He reluctantly let go of her small hand, and started walking towards the main road. The lightning bugs fly all over the place in a manner that suggested that they were sad to see the two go. The girl slowly followed the boy with two toned copper hair. The journey back was only a short distance, and even though the trip back from the edge of the woods was silent, the two knew that they were content with the time they spent together. Trees became fewer in numbers alongside the road until there were only buildings. The commons area was empty. It was oddly quiet, yet comforting at the same time. It made the girl feel as though there was nothing else existing but her and her friend. She knew the harsh reality, but let the blissful feeling consume her for a while longer. A tug on the boys shirt signaled that the girl wanted him to slow down so she could catch up. He did what was expected of him, and she neared his left side, and intertwined her hand with his. He would have been flustered any other day, but since there was no one to see the pair walking down the streets of Trost, he didn't. He directed his amber gaze on her form, and felt a small smile grace his lips.

She looked incredibly happy, and he felt bad that the moment of inexplicable bliss would end soon since their houses were becoming larger and larger in his vision. Their hands seemed to have been molded for each other, and it displeased the boy that he was thinking of his childhood friend in such a manner. Their houses came up on their right, and the two separated. They stared at each other. Amber eyes met [e/c] eyes and they seemed to linger for a moment longer than the should have. The night was now silent, and the calming sound of the cicada's was gone. The stars still twinkled in the sky like it did at the edges of the forest, but they seemed dimmer now. The girl closed the gap between their forms and wrapped her arms around his waist. She smiled while she hugged him and whispered two words that would bring happiness to him days to come.

Jean woke with a tear-streaked face, and most of the boys snickered at this. They called him all sorts of horrible names to get a rise out of him, but he didn't pay any attention to them. All he could think about was the memory of her. It happened years ago in their hometown, and it caused a wave of emotions to overwhelm the boy. He mindlessly trudged towards the nearest bathing room so he could take a scalding hot bath to take away some of the painful emotions.

After getting on all of his needed gear, he walked out the door of the boys' barracks. The mess hall was noisy as usual, but he seemed lost in his own word. Several people pointed and stared at him, but none gathered the courage necessary to go up to him and ask him what was wrong. He walked over towards his usual table, and sat down. Connie Springer, a friend of his, was nearby and whispered something to Sasha Braus, another cadet. He overheard one of them mention Marco, his deceased friend. He laughed bitterly to no one in particular. Of course they only remember one of his two best friends.

Though Marco's death pained him greatly, he only felt remorse about it. Whereas when it came to her death, he felt furious that he was the only one who even bothered to remember her and her good deeds. She was there for everyone in the 104th Trainees Squad. Even the ice queen, Annie Leonhardt. She was even there for Jean's main enemy, Eren Jaeger. He brushed her off, accusing her of trying to get back at him for saying quite rude things to her best friend Jean, but she stood her ground and insisted that he was a good person. Eventually Eren warmed up to her, but he became quite suspicious of all the time he was spending with his adopted sister, Mikasa Ackerman. Eren and her always seemed to sneak off during conversations, only to return ten minutes later and the two of them laughing about something. Jean was secretly envious of all the time Eren was spending with [First], but Marco convinced him that they both shared a strong bond much like the bond that the two childhood friends shared.

Of course Jean was bitter about this, and began to spend more and more time with the black-haired beauty Mikasa, who showed no interest in his advances at her. Though she showed no interest in his pick-up lines, she did pay attention to the way he looked longingly at [First]. She noticed the way he'd rest is hand on her's while sitting at a table in the mess hall, the way he teased her playfully, and how he usually wrapped a protective arm around her while walking alone. She concluded that he was only infatuated with her like a silly crush, but truly loved [First]. Though he never said it, his actions spoke louder than words.

As Jean sat by himself at the table, Mikasa was reminded how much he loved [First]. Her heart secretly ached for him, since she could relate to the feeling when she almost lost her only family left, Eren. Her dark eyes darted around the room and noticed that people were pointing and staring at him. She thought about going up to help comfort him, but decided against it since in the long run she'd only lead him on to break his heart again later.

~~~~~

The days passed by like a blur for Jean, but it did nothing to lessen the pain of the death of his friends. Connie and Sasha became good friends of his and he soon began to smile more and more. After what seemed like forever, he laughed for the first time again. The hole in his heart was still there, but the other trainees eventually warmed up to them. It was a routine day when he realized something. [First] had died so he could live. But now, he tarnished her sacrifice by dwelling on the fact of her death. He also realized that he was basically forgetting that Marco and [First] didn't belong to him alone. Other people were still hurting like he was, but he was too blinded by grief to notice. He needed to live life to the fullest if he wanted to honor [First]'s death and he needed to move on and forge his own destiny if he wanted honor the most important words his best friend said to him.

~~~~~

The weeks passed by, and he had confronted his inner demons. He feared that if he lived his life, he would forget about his friends, but he knew deep down that they would always be in his heart. The fear of forgetting still haunted him from time to time, but he'd then see something that reminded him of his two best friends. For example, he feared forgetting about [First], but he crossed paths with flower that was [f/c], and it reminded him of how beautiful she was. One day, he was saddened by the thought that he may be going to see his friends soon in the afterlife, but he saw a young boy with dark brown hair, freckles, and brown eyes. He reminded himself that if he lost touch with his side that willed himself to keep fighting, death is connected to new life, and no matter how cruel the world may be, there was always going to be something beautiful worth fighting for.