Whole Again

                                                                                   Authors Note

I've gone through many things in my 27 years of life. Sexually molested at 12 (didn't remember it until 2016), sexually addicted by 13, and enveloped in darkness by 14. Considered suicide at 18 (came very close to it, too). I was completely engulfed in pornography and unable to break free, and I would ask God why? Why must I go through this trial? Why cannot I not break free?

After 4 years of marriage and much damage being done I finally got help. That was in September of 2015. This piece was written two months into that journey of healing and restoration. Writing this piece was a moment unlike any other I have ever experienced; the Holy Spirit gave me a gift for my broken heart. Little did I know that this gift was not only for me, but for so many others.

This has only been shared with a handful of others and now I'm am sharing it with you. A look into the depths of my heart and soul as it was two years ago during the hardest time in my life and marriage. Why? Because that is where the Gospel of my Jesus shines through. This is the good news: that he comes to heal and restore things that the world says cannot be saved. Where the world says it's to far gone, my Jesus says, "Watch me do a miracle."

'Whole Again' is gift freely given to me for my healing, and a gift to those who long to still be healed. Freely given to me, I now freely give to you.

God bless.

Note: I do not own the rights to the song or the picture used in the cover. The cover, however, was my own creation using canva.com.

- Whole Again –

I stumble down the path,

Long forgotten by my soul;

The place of my deepest wound

The place that holds control.

I don't remember when I last I came,

When I walked these thorny trails;

But as I go deeper still,

I face the stormy gales.

At last I find a house,

Though dark and foreboding it be;

There's something so familiar,

Then I realize – it's me.

What traps have been laid?

I shall soon find out,

As I slowly turn the key.

Pain seeps from under the doors like wisps of smoke.

I can hear cries from down the halls. I move in the house and stop short. Pictures. Memories. They hang on the dusty walls like portals to another time and place.

My childhood. That's what this place is. The remains of a long forgotten time when all was right and good. Before the pain came and drove me out. Before the wounds.

I walk down the empty halls of myself; my footsteps disturbing the dust as I pass. I stop by a door, the room is all too familiar. The sign above says Pornography. My heart aches from that wound still. Even as I pass I can hear their voices, their false promises of pleasure and love.

My hand reached for the handle before I draw back, before I wound myself again.

I move on, deeper into the house. A chill enters my soul as I walk the aimless halls. I stop by another door; the sign reads Abandonment. I shudder. I hesitate before looking inside the room.