As Good As Mine

No Regrets

**Above, Colby and her mother**

I open the door leading to my parents' bedroom wondering which version of my mama will greet me today. On the good days, she recognizes me— even remembering bits and pieces of our lives together. Most of the time, she doesn't even wake when I come to visit.

Early-Onset Alzheimer's rocked my family's world, cheating my brothers and me out of a mother and stripping my mother of her most precious memories. Still, that doesn't mean I can't make the best of the time we have remaining.

"Mama," I say quietly, seating myself at her bedside. She stirs when I take her hand between my own two, her eyes slowly opening and filling me with hope that today will be one of her better days. Goodness knows I could use a little sunshine right about now.

"How's my girl today?" she rasps, a feeble smile forming on her lips.

"I'm doing just fine. Even better, now that you're awake." I force a smile then, having resolved long ago to cherish these rare moments with her. I don't want to mar the brief times we're able to share with my burdens.

She blinks heavily, tucking my long hair behind my ear with a shaky hand. "You're not sparkling today, baby. What's wrong?"

I'm completely caught off guard by the familiarity in her touch, her words. In truth, I can remember her asking me this very thing all the way back to kindergarten. But instead of responding to her sentiments with joy, I do the unthinkable.

I cry.

"Oh, Mama," I sniffle. "I'm doing everything wrong! I started dating a boy that I'm pretty sure my best friend is in love with, even though she swears that he and I are right for one another. And even worse, I have no feelings for him, which makes me feel horrible. He's a really great guy, but I just can't... She's mad at me, and he should be because I'm not being fair to him. I know I should be falling head over heels for him, but I—"

"You still love Wyatt."

Her assertion brings a welcome end to my raging word vomit. It also forces me to acknowledge a truth that I've been working so hard to ignore. I nod, wiping away the tears that smear my face with the sleeve of my shirt. "That doesn't matter now. We used to be each other's sanity. I thought we were forever once, until I let him down."

"Do you want him back?" she whispers, squeezing my hand.

"Of course," I reply. "But it'll never happen. He needed me to fight through his pain with him, not abandon him when he needed me the most. I chose to guard my heart, rather then open it. I was selfish, and it's broken me."

"You were both bearing so much grief at such a young age. You can't blame yourself for not understanding how to endure his sorrow, too." She places her palm on my cheek, her eyes meeting mine. "You've always bent the earth to your will. Why would this be any different?"

"Winning Wyatt back is different. He's not some box I can check off on my list of goals. He has a mind and will of his own... I can't change how he feels."

"This isn't you, Colby," Mama says. "You're a fighter, just like me. I'm gonna win my battle, and so will you."

I sigh, averting my gaze. Her earnest tone and undeniable faith in my ability to achieve my ambitions leave me flustered. If only I were as certain as she that he could be mine again.

"Look at me," she demands and I oblige, working desperately to keep myself from falling apart again. "You begin by being present— be real and vulnerable. The trust you once shared was far beyond your years. He still loves you, you know."

I shake my head, wishing it were so. Her conviction is quite convincing. In fact, she almost has me considering it.

Almost.

"Thanks, Mama," I say, wrapping my arms around her. She doesn't respond to my embrace, but that's not unusual. She was more lucid in the past five minutes than she has been in some weeks, and for that, I'm incredibly grateful.

"Eloise, I just had the most wonderful visitor," Mama says to me as I pull away. "Have you brought my medication?"

"Umm... yes, Mrs. Byers. I'll bring it to you soon. For now, just rest," I say, willing away the fresh tears that are threatening to form.

Mama smiles, nodding as her eyes fall closed.

And just like that, she's gone again. It hurts to watch her lose herself to a condition with no cure. I would do anything to restore her to her former lighthearted nature— to see her healthy and vibrant as she once was. On some level, I suppose my circumstances mirror hers in a way. For just as my mother loses herself to her mind, I lose myself when I fail to follow my heart.

If I've learned anything over the course of her deterioration, it's that life is too short to live with such enormous regrets. Even Mama knows that I'm wasting precious opportunities.

No more.

I leave her room full of resolve, knowing that I'm at my very best when I'm honest with myself, when I'm bold. I don't wanna fall prey to insecurity anymore. I've been that girl for too long.

As it turns out, my brief visit was just what I needed. Though Mama is far from her right mind, she read me like an open book, pinpointing the source of my dilemma before I did and identifying my desires in a manner I would never have been inclined to acknowledge on my own.

I'm going to make things right with Wyatt.

The reality is that I need him in my life. I'm a better person with him in my world, even if it means watching him feel for someone else what he once felt for me. At the very least, I'll know that I did my best to fix the ways I failed him. He may never be mine again, but we can still have each other as friends.

If ever I've had a box worth checking, it's this one.