Little Thoughts

7 p.m.

It's not that late right now, but I've got a lot on my mind. I was just reading a reddit (https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/7fet3g/redditors_who_are_clearly_not_the_favorite_child/) and realized how much I have in common with some of the people. I was never abused by my mother or anything, but whoever my mother was in a relationship with usually saw me as a "problem" child. I was withheld food often and corporal punishment was pretty big for the first several years of my life. Then, it was standing against a wall or in a corner until I was told it was okay to come back from my corner (I usually stood there for about an hour). The last guy my mom dated seriously, we moved in with. And somehow, he preferred me over my little sister, who had always seemed to be the favorite cuz she was younger or something. I'm still not sure why my mom favors her over me. He still wasn't a good guy, and hurt my family pretty badly with his narcissism. Now, my mom constantly has a new boyfriend or fuck buddy, but she rarely ever brings them home. I don't think most of them even know her real name. My sister has autism, which I guess she's always had. And I think that's why my mom seems to cherish her more. I was always told I needed voice lessons whenever I was singing along to a song in the car. But my sister was always encouraged and even joined chorus a couple years ago and is now singing at her high school. I started playing guitar, dancing, and swimming competitively all last year. My mom has only come to one showing of something I've choreographed and rarely listens to me when I play guitar. But she has gone to almost all of my sister's chorus concerts. Since I started swimming at my high school, she's only been to one meet, and that was only to pick me up five minutes before practice ended. However, when my sister and I were on a summer team, she went to every meet. I used to try so hard to be the perfect child. I don't quite know why. Maybe it was just my way of trying to get positive attention. I used to be a straight-A student. I kept it up until my sophomore year of high school. That was last year. I stopped caring about my grades. I got into some trouble and got suspended and grounded for almost 2 months, with my mom not giving me a way to get ungrounded for about a month. I remember caring so much about my grades when it first happened. I remember walking away from my mom to let my friends know what was happening and breaking down as soon as I opened my mouth to speak. I remember hugging my boyfriend at the time and trying to explain what happened. I remember my mom coming up behind me and saying in her angry voice that we needed to go home. I remember freaking out a few days later because I didn't know what I was gonna do about my grades. My mom put me in a program for suspended kids at a school not too far from my normal high school and that's where I went every Monday through Friday of my suspension. But something changed while I was suspended. I stopped caring about my grades somewhere along the line. I'm not aiming for college right now. Right now, I just want to graduate high school and love my beautiful girlfriend through everything we face in life. Things are still kinda shit at home, but I'm working my hardest on it and will start working to improve my grades. I at least want to make my mom somewhat proud and not get any D's. Although, I feel like I should focus on my writing (my girlfriend gave me an idea for a new story that I may or may not be starting soon) and taking care of myself. Which is what I might just do. I might just keep my grades above failing and work on what I want to do with my life.

I have to go start dinner, so I'm gonna leave this here. I just basically spilled out my thoughts into my screen and it was really relaxing. I'll definitely do this more, but until next time, buh-bye~