Twilight Spoofs - Now I Am New

I lay there, eyes still shut, taking in my new surroundings through my hearing, touch and smell. Suddenly I was aware of a pressure on my hand. Someone was holding it gently. It didn't feel right. This hand was warm, not cold. Not good. Immediately this registered, my whole being screamed out, 'danger!'

My breath hissing harshly between my teeth, my body spasmed, then flipped and jerked its way backwards off the bed. I opened my eyes as I shot into the air and smiled briefly at the beauty of the lovely dust-motes swirling by my face. Glancing down, I saw my beautiful Edward standing by the bed, looking anxiously up at me as I took off. It had been his hand, then.

I simultaneously felt stupid, gullible, self-conscious and a bit of a douche as I continued my journey off the bed. My ear clipped an airborne house-fly with a 'ping' and I heard a small spider sat in its web in a corner of the room murmur, 'good shot.'

I heard several gasps, and realised my entire new vampire family were congregated by the door, with Emmett and Jasper crouching in front of them. I gaped down aghast at their shocked faces.

My face fell as my heightened senses found me worrying about Renesmee, feeling elated at being a vampire at last, and curious as to why Esme hadn't dusted the cobwebs properly. I turned my head. My next thought was how much detail I could see in the ceiling as I approached it; all the little dips and bumps in the paint which human eyes would never be able to see. 

Nearly a second had passed. I inexplicably felt myself smiling again at the dust-motes as I hit the plaster and soared up into the attic.

Everything went black as my face embedded itself in one of the beams, and the house shook. As I prised my face out of the wood, I could hear Emmett trying not to laugh. 

I leaped for the hole beneath me and grinned at the dust-motes as I dropped the fifteen feet through the hole to the floor below.  I landed sinuously like a cat on the carpet, and my high heels sunk in with a 'thock' as I made two small holes in the wooden floor. Esme gasped. I stepped out of the useless things and kicked them through the opposite wall. She grimaced.

Edward's voice suddenly chimed out. He sounded a bit desperate.

"Bella! You're doing so well!"

That was it. Emmett broke down. Whirling around to face the doorway, I caught him with his eyes clamped shut and blowing giggles through his fingers. Alice elbowed him in the ribs and Rosalie stamped on his foot, forcing it through the floor with a crunch. Esme erupted.

"Will everybody STOP demolishing my house!"

I stuck my bottom lip out at Esme, hissed loudly at Emmett and leaped backwards towards Edward, the person I most wanted right now. I jumped up into his arms with a squeak, propelling us both back toward the large picture window at the rear of the house. He staggered and his back met the glass with a CRACK. Esme bit her fingers, wide-eyed as spider-web cracks began radiating outward from the point of impact.

"Well hello, Bella," purred Edward, gazing moodily into my eyes. 

I just had time to murmer "Hey, Edward," when the glass broke with an almighty CRASH. Carlisle swore loudly.

As we plummeted towards the garden below, we kissed passionately and without restraint. Shards of glass floated down with us like some weird dream-scenery mixed with the lovely dust-motes. I smiled at them, wrapped my legs around my lover and squeezed him tight. Edward had just enough time to say, "Ouch! You're hurting me, Bella!" before we hit the rockery below.

We ricocheted off the granite boulders and rolled together through the shrubbery, scattering musk-rats and groundhogs. We passed through Esme's favourite glasshouse and exited wreathed in tomato and spinach plants. Wild smells surrounded us as we skidded on through the onion patch and demolished the antique sundial.