s l e e p

F O U R

The blood; there was so much blood. What could have happened here? Did I kill someone? I desperately tried to pull some thread of recognition from my consciousness that would help make sense of what I was seeing but there was nothing beyond my laying my head on my pillow last night in bed, "My pillow!" I looked at the beloved article in my hand with disdain I couldn't clarify. I felt ill looking at it; but worse even than the blood on the bed had no reason in my head to explain the physical reaction. I left it fall to the ground.

I didn't go to school that day. In fact, I didn't go to school for several days and could give no thought to weather I'd be failing or not. I was traumatized. I had no idea, how or what had happened; it was real. Of course I had been able to figure out that I had had a nosebleed and obviously set about to clean myself up when I'd somehow fallen back asleep on the floor. There was no memory of that having happened, at all, but it wasn't difficult to put the pieces together. The lack of memory wasn't even what was really bothering me either but there was no denying the emotional scar that was left behind.

I would catch myself staring at the pillow; mesmerized even, for long periods of time. Finally, without fully understanding the reason for doing so, I found myself packing Ye Old Pillow into a taped-up cardboard box and then into the very back of the hall closet. For the next few nights I did not enjoy the peaceful sleep I usually had received at least two thirds of the time. Instead of waking up at 3;33 am I would wake many times throughout the night, the tail end of a scream in my throat. My dreams were violent and gory and unrelenting; even when I tried to stay away I would slip into waking nightmares.

This went on for about a week and I was reaching the edge of my sanity when I finally had a different dream. It was around three in the afternoon but a practical sleep schedule was non-existent when falling asleep became a last resort. This dream started with slashing and splatter much like the others when the image of my Gammy appeared. Bathed in a golden aura, Gammy came to me and put her cold hands on my cheeks. Gammy had the sweetest smile and cradled my hand gently in her arms while humming "yesterday" by The Beatles in my ear. I had relaxed for the first time since my blackout and enjoyed a couple hours of non tormented rest. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough to provide the clarity I needed for a solution to this mess. Gammy had been trying to tell me something.

I left my house, for the first time in weeks. I headed to the hardware store and got in 20 minutes before they closed, I looked around and got what I needed and left. I took Ye Old Pillow out of the cardboard box and placed it on the floor in front of me and smiled. I put 'Yesterday' on my speakers and left it on repeat. I put the rope where I needed it, grabbed a chair, then everything was in position. It was time. What you're reading is the last you'll ever know of me. I finished writing this, placed it on Ye Old Pillow, hopped onto the chair and looked through the noose and smiled. "Gammy, tell mom I'm sorry," I said, "Tell her I'm not going to wake up at 3:33 am every third night anymore, because I'm going to sleep, for good." I put my head through and tipped the chair, I knew I was going to get a good night's sleep tonight.

Goodnight everyone, have a good sleep.