Over time

1

Everything seems to always get worse and nothing ever gets better. They say to look at the positives in your life right now instead of focusing on the negatives. What if I can't find any? My selfish personality can only view the things that trouble me instead of cherishing what I have. I'm submerged almost completely in dark thoughts and rebellion.

I don't know what set off my sadness long ago, all I know is that the gradual process that sent me there wasn't noticed by anyone. Not even my self. Before I knew it I was completely unaware of the difference between happiness and sadness.

My tears regularly stained my slashed pillows and my unmade bed sheets after anything didn't go my way.

I keep it to my self. I didn't used to but I do now. Sometimes I unscrew my sharpeners and cherish the blade in two hands as if I am a starving child awaiting food desperately.

Once I am holding it in my hand, I am out of control. I can't stop anything that I do while holding it. And the worst part, is that no one else is making me do this.

As the blade slices into my skin repeatedly I stare at the damage I have caused yet again, another problem that gets thrown with the rest in my fucked up life. I am broken.

My heart constantly clings to people who don't want me and seeks loving inside of them. I become emotionally obsessed. I want them to want me but they never will. I'm just not good enough.

My heart races as I lay on the bed staring at the razor in the corner of my eye. My eyes flicker between my arm and the sharp silver object. My phone vibrates constantly but I ignore it. I finally give in to the urges and jump up off of the bed and almost pounce at it viciously.

I apply my force to it as I drag it along my skin. I decide that that is enough damage for today and decide to check my phone.

I open many snaps and just blank them because I can't be bothered, but then I see someone has added me. I click on it and add him back and quickly type whose this.

He types back quickly as I thought he would.

"It's me owen.x"

"Owen who? X

"Owen banks don't you remember me? X"

"I genuinely don't tbh how do you know me? X"

"I used to go your cadets ages ago. X"

"Ohhh I remember you. X"

"So how you been lately? X"

"Bad yenno wbu? X"

"Fine, why what's up? X"

"Been on some heavyyy stuff lately aha it's boss. X"

"Like wa😂 I'm intrigued now. X"

"Ket , pills, weed aha it's all fucking sick yenno. X"

"Your actually mad you why you doing tha? X"

"Just depressed an shit but trust me it's all proper funny. X"

"Aha I would do weed because it's not tha bad but pills an tha are. X"

"Nah trust me they aren't just do them with me aha you'll be safe. Xx"

"Yeah maybe one day. X"

"So where you from? Xx"

"Guyton wbu? Xx"

"Fescot. Xx"

"Oh you live close as well. Xx"

"Wa school you go again? Xx"

"DH wbu?"

"West derby aha I walk by there after school. Xx"