"I'm drowning" i whisper this into the ear of the person in front of me. A sadistic smile curves on my lips before i can fully comprehend my thoughts. But like always i'm past the point of caring, past the point of even trying to change or suppress who i am. No... wait that's wrong. i suppress who i am everyday.
I can practically see the evil loathing of everything in the mirror of the persons eyes and their face contorts in fear and confusion. I lean back in my chair with one last sadistic look at them before i turn my face back up to the teacher. He's at his desk. The writings on the board, our work.
I wish i wasn't here. I wish i was dead. I just want it all to end.
The person in front of me has already lent their head back down into their work. My whisper a forgotten memory in her shallow mind. But i know that she was terrified, confused. People will forget me as quickly as a passing stranger, and that's just how i want it. I don't want them to notice when i leave, when i show up behind them whispering the dark secrets that we all have inside us. I don't like it when they remember me... it reminds me of so many things.
So much that i wish i could just lie about and it come true. I hate my life, i hate alot of things.
I turn my head to look out the window. My head hurts, so does my arms. My eyes narrow in irritation. I glance back at the persons back. Normal shallow, i hate her for a minute for being so shallow, like i see straight through her anorexic visage. Even though i know i should judge so quickly i really can't help it, her. That part of me that refuses to go away, that part of me i secretly love like a mother would her child, no matter if her child works in an army or kills people. She will love it unconditionally. I love that part of me only because it is the only part of me with memories and feelings of what i honestly feel. A part of me that cannot lie.
I place my head down on the desk, quietly, i study my fingers as i make a snake with them. I feel like crying. I feel like hurting myself again, i know i can't. I'm not allowed to. And i remember the words that i tell myself, I'm an egotistical bitch who doesn't deserve to be loved, doesn't deserve to be loved. My eyes feel sad and empty.
I wonder if other people see glimpse's of this side of me... i don't think so. I think they have their own problems to deal with. I have enough problems to deal with myself, so many. I feel as if one day i'll just end up writing a whole book on how much i hate myself and my life and then kill myself.
Death for me isn't the same as everyone else makes it out to be, I see it as... like when i bird is let out of its cage... kind of. A feeling of freedom to me. The void, the darkness that i imagine death to be like is when i go to sleep. when you have no problems or consequences from the day before.
I sleep alot, i hardly cry, i bottle all my feelings up inside... so tightly that i've pretty much given up hope of opening them up. I get scared or i don't want to. Because whenever i dream and try to find her, all i see is a battle field full of undiscriminated victims, everywhere.
And she/i like it.
I don't feel frightened or scared. i feel happy. though i feel sad... because i speculate the only reason she did it was to give people a reason to kill her. And in the end no one was ever able...
Even when i wake up, if i asked someone to kill me. I don't know anyone who would take my request seriously... anyone who would understand. And i tell myself "Do you know how hard that is?"
Born wanting to die, Born with only the wish of seeing nothing. No-one would get it.
Its like... fuck everyday... feeling empty. Like a doll who wonders where its emotions went. Who can't even wish for freedom or to be human. Just her emotions. I used to call it a lack of motivation. But now that i look at it, it isn't.
Its a fucking death wish.
And i was born with it.
Let me tell you that some things CANNOT be fixed. However they can be realized, and they can be accepted. "Its easier to accept something than it is to remove its existence" that's what i think.
But my opinion doesn't really make much difference. It wont help anybody it wont change anything about me. Only etch it even deeper into the stone that is me.
I feel my head slip off my palm, i vaguely see the floor rush up towards me as i realize my body has collapsed sideways. I don't feel anything. But i close my eyes and sink into myself.
This is where i belong. i say as i open the door.
This is where i need to be i say as i descend the first steps in the underground spiral cave. It goes all the way down.
And below me is an abyss. Dark and frightening. I don't know why but my mind has taken this form over the past 8 years, I'm 15 now. 15 years of silence.
15 years without feeling the existence of my own soul. I'm a little afraid as i go deeper. The first levels of this place are hardly scary at all. But as i get further i see more and more of myself... more of the emotions that i know i shouldn't have. More of the ambitions i've given up and the disappointment and hopelessness.
But even more than that is how lost i feel. Nobody ever says that life should be this hard. I don't mean to sound conceited but i feel as if i could touch their problems. I could see them.
I just feel like mine is invisible... i feel as if my happiness just somehow flew away. Everything. i must have done something bad or fallen in love somewhere and crushed myself under a foolish idea or action.
Only to realize i was stupid and laugh at myself, thus plunging myself into this wonderland. But foolishness was only the rabbit that led my to the hole. In the end it was me who chose to go down there.
Despite having no father. Despite my brother and the hell and lack of reason to remain in this reality. I just let my soul wither away. Told it to go die or something along the way. I brush my fingers along the wall... If i had to describe this place i'd say it looked like Ariels underwater cove. Where she kept her treasures. But its darker here... more... sinister. But as i reach my arm in a cell i realize that the sinister feeling is only myself and regret.
I look into the sad eyes of my younger self at 13 and a half. She's huddled up in the corner with her dark brown hair all over her. hiding her face and tangled on the floor. Legs up against her chest and an aura of weariness from her. She chose to be here by herself... Shes forgotten that in this place she can be whatever she wants. She still thinks that outside this cave is reality and life coming to drag her back to the real world in chains. And knowing this my arm wilts. I want to hold her but she is locked in. No door just darkness and bars. The cold stone and concrete beneath our feet.
I swallow the lump in my throat at who i will meet next. Next is hate... next is the sadistic side of myself that was never taught restraint. But at the same time she saw the world and she saw and felt the chains that held us down. Like a child she didn't understand though.
"Princess" I look up slowly. The noise came from the door. Above at the beginning of this spiral. But i don't know why or how. I move forward still... further into the cave. Deeper into the abyss. Beside me are my future selves. The Mother and the Woman, two selves that appeared when i started doubting who i'd grow up to be. They i suppose represented who i had the potential to be. Right i feel denial when i look at them. the only thing that shows up when i think like that is a giant word hate and a thousand knives that carve and chip at who i am. Here that isn't a good thing. Because here i feel and here there is no bottle to keep it in. There is not lid to restrain me and there is no where for my feelings to go. "Princess" I feel tears in my eyes, i feel like im a lost cause. I move further in before halting.
My feet stand at the precipice of my cave, a large gap in the dark spiraling stairs. A hurdle i must cross before i advance any further.
I hear my name being called again from the door but as i look back i find myself on a lone rock. A broken piece of the staircase. Moving neither forward nor backward. I sit down and curl up in a ball.
Dark.
"Where am i?"
