Stay the Night

Back for Good

Bakit mahal mo pa rin sya?

Naging tanong sa akin 'yan ni Yoko nang huling beses na nagkita kami. Him, meddling on my issues, seemed like a sign that he's coping better with his issues now. Hindi ko sinagot ang tanong nya. Wala namang tama o maling sagot eh. Ang meron lang- yung TOTOONG sagot.

Lahat ng tao, nakikita nila kung bakit hindi ko na dapat mahalin si Eli. Nakikita nila kung bakit hindi ko dapat minahal si Eli. Hindi nila nakikita kung paano nya ako minahal at kung paano nya ako minamahal.

Lagi akong hinahanapan ng dahilan kung bakit ganito ako. Hindi ba talaga pwedeng dahil wala lang? Hindi ba talaga pwede na wala lang dahilan? Hindi ba pwedeng tanggapin na lang nila ako sa kabila ng sa tingin nilang mga maling desisyon ko? Hindi na ba talaga pwedeng mag mahal ng dahil wala lang? Nang dahil mahal mo lang talaga? Kami ni Eli, mahal namin ang isa't-isa, dahil wala lang.

Mahal ko sya kahit hindi nya alam kung sino sya. Mahal nya ko kahit alam nya kung ano ako. Mahal namin ang isa't-isa maging ilan man ang 'kahit' at 'kahit hindi' na ilista ng mundo para sa amin.

"Did you lose your self while I was gone?"

Eli asked me once. He was back from the States and he went to the same university I was in. Sikat sya sa school kahit bago lang sya. Gwapo eh. Matalino. At alam sa school na anak sya ng isang dating sikat na sikat na aktor. Some liked him. Some didn't. But either way, sikat pa din sya... and he didn't like it. Nakikita ko yun sa muka nya. He didn't like the attention.

Kalat sa school na ilang babaeng naghahabol kay Eli ang pinatulan nya. He slept with some of them. Something that made me believe sa mga sinasabi ng sorority sisters ko na fuck boy nga si Eli. I stayed away from him even more. Sa isip ko noon, iniiwasan ko sya dahil kadiri sya. But there was that feeling that I didn't want to go near him because what he was doing was actually hurting me. I always chose to ignore that feeling just because it didn't fit with who I thought I was then.

Nagbago ako nung college. Dahil sa kagustuhan ko maging doktor, pinilit kong baguhin ang sarili ko. I tried the so called normalcy of the greater population. I changed my clothes. I tied my hair up in a neat bun. I wore matching socks. I behaved the way a good girl should behave. I followed the rules set by the people around me.

Mas lalo akong nagpakanormal nang sumali ako sa isang sorority. I got in easy dahil legacy si mama sa sorority na sinalihan ko. My sorority sisters were my saving grace when it came to academics. Tinutulungan nila akong makapasa sa mga subjects ko. Hindi naman kasi ako matalino. Pero dahil gusto ko maging doktor, kahit anong tulong para maabot ko iyon, tinatanggap ko. Ang kapalit nga lang, ang buong pagkatao ko. Still, I thought it was going to be worth it- lahat para sa pangarap.

Hindi ko naman talaga nakita as fuck boy si Eli. Alam ko na totoo ang mga sinasabi nila about him sleeping around- I saw him a few times going into some cheap motel with girls from our school, pero I never thought of him that way until Celine, our sorority president, brought it up.

She told us about Eli making her believe that he was serious with her. That she's different from other girls. That he actually wanted to be with her. However, it turned out that he only wanted to sleep with her- katulad din ng mga babaeng dinala nya sa mga pipitsuging motel.

Nagkukwento pa si Celine pero umalis na ko. I already heard enough. And I knew if I listened any further, I would most likely have spoken my mind and said things that I would regret later on. I needed to keep my thoughts inside my brain. Whether I liked it or not, I needed their help.