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“Ella Jean, boys… a group picture, please!”

Before I could realize what was going on I was being shoved near a blond young man who I quickly recognized as Niall Horan from 'the biggest boy band on the planet', One Direction. On his right side, we were joined by his co-members Louis Tomlinson, Liam Payne, Zayn Malik and Harry Styles at the other end. I automatically smiled as the camera flashed a strong light towards our faces.

We were backstage at the American Music Awards. I have just come down the stage after introducing John Legend's performance. Normally, I would not be invited to present at a music awards show but John Legend wrote and recorded the theme song for the James Bond movie, in which I happen to play the role of troubled teenager, Alex, James Bond's secret daughter. Therefore, it was just the start of the long journey I will have to embark on, to promote this movie. Not that I am complaining to be here. I mean, I don't get that many chances of being in the same room with Rihanna, Imagine Dragons, Miley Cyrus, Justin Timberlake, Jennifer Lopez and let's not forget about One Direction, who were standing right in front of me, in this dark and crowded backstage area.

They were all very dashing in their black suits while they smiled towards me and gave me a shy but warm “Hi. It's nice to meet you.” They were all mumbling at the same time and I found myself gazing, not really sure whom to look at, but rather taking them all in, as a group.

I returned the smile with a civil “Nice to meet you too.”  I’ve barely finished the sentence when one of the show's producers, wearing a head set of headphones and microphone, holding an iPad and wearing a worried expression interrupted: “One Direction! You need to go, now! Your performance is up. You are being introduced in one minute! Come on, hurry!” They gently waved at me while following the man.

Ding!

 “Please return to your seats. We are going live in one minute. Thank you.” you could hear a woman's voice through the speakers.

Jack Bennet, my manager, my agent, my friend and my biggest support system in this world grabbed my hand. “Let's go” He led me back in the theatre auditorium to find our seats. There were more than 7000 chairs in The Nokia Theatre L.A. and the same number of people wandering around.

All this backstage chaos happened in less than one minute and honestly I had no time to gather my thoughts. As I reached my place somewhere in the second row and sat down, all I could think about was how lucky was I to be in a room with so many talented people. I forget that maybe, sometimes, they look at me the same way and say “She's so talented.” I did got nominated for best actress in a leading role last year, placing me up there with names like Kate Winslet, Keira Knightley and Jennifer Lawrence for being one of the youngest Academy Award nominees. No matter how many people tell me how grate I am, there is always that part of my mind that questions my worthiness. “Did I ‘earn’ my place in Hollywood?” One thing I have to constantly remind myself is not to let fame get to my head. I still don't know how I am not on drugs after this dramatic life change: 2 years ago, I gave up college and decided to go to India, living day by day with no plan, seeking for the true meaning of life, but here I am now, shooting my forth movie, having 11 million followers on twitter and sitting  5 seats away from Justin Timberlake.

My string of thoughts was cut off by the guitar sound coming from the stage and the screaming girls situated right in front of it. I forget for a second who is supposed to sing next but for whom else would girls scream like that if not for One Direction. I giggle when I think about how jealous will Sarah be on my brief meet up with the boys. Sarah was one of my best friends, my assistant and One Direction fanatic. She was a part-time administrator for a Tumblr page dedicated to One Direction and she owned a Zayn-cardboard, placed beautifully near her bed.  “I hope somebody will post that photo somewhere because I need proof.” I thought to myself.

I was actually more excited to see them perform live than I thought I would be. I always had the impression that they looked like 14 year olds but now that I met them, I couldn't have been more wrong. I tried to remember all the things I have  learned about them after all this years. I knew all their hit songs by heart. I mean who doesn't? They are fun and overplayed on radio. I knew they were put together as a band on X factor, 4 years ago. I've watched some of their early interviews from right when they started out. Curiosity. I also knew some random facts like.. Liam is afraid of spoons and Louis loves carrots?? Does my brain really have space for all this non-sense? Harry Styles was constantly on Enews, every time making the headlines with a different girl: Taylor Swift and Kendall Jenner, to name 2 of the recent ones, who both happen to be here tonight. “That must be really awkward for him” I chuckled. I don't get why is everybody bragging about him. I have never liked him. What is up with his hair anyway? We get it, you have good genes, stop robbing it in everybody's face. But then again, I should know better than to judge people.

If I had to pick a favorite, I would probably have to go with Zayn. Not based on anything else but his extremely good looks and the ‘bad boy’ attitude conveyed in the 'Live while we're young' video. Also, Sarah talks about him a lot until I remind her that he is engaged to Perrie Edwards from Little Mix; but, I mean, why would anyone want to date any of them considering the baggage attached? My twitter timeline would be filled with death threats, daily.

As Harry started to sing first I was still stumbling through my thoughts, waiting for Zayn's solo part. Zayn looked so undeniably hot. But I made promise to myself, not so long ago, to never date another celebrity again considering the drama of my last relationship. Dating in the public eye is never a good idea. “I miss my old and simple life” i sighed and immediately I felt the guilt rushing in for thinking this way even for a second. Of course I love my life just the way it is and I am grateful for everything. This is the dream life, but sometimes, it gets too much.

 I have been taught to accept whatever comes my way as being exactly what I need. I am just a wave in the ocean, a word in the wind. I am smart enough to play along with the Universe. It is estimated that people have about 50,000 thoughts per day. To believe that I control them would be incredibly stupid of me. So yeah. Regret, guilt, joy, gratitude. Let them all come and go.

There is another emotion that crept up on me, lately. Loneliness. Maybe it is true what they say. “It's lonely at the top.” I find it ironic that, even in this enormous room, surrounded by 7000 human souls, I have never felt more alone.

“The story of my life, I'll take her home,

I'd drive all night to keep her warm

-and time… is frozen.”

 

When Harry started singing the chorus all the voices in my head were silenced. He was singing it like he was in a deep pain, like his heart was aching. If I had paid attention to my body, I would have sensed the lump in my throat and the void in my stomach, but I was utterly captivated by his voice and his movements.

I felt his pain. He was lonely too.

When he started singing the chorus for the second time I got goose bumps all over my spine. Out of nowhere, I got mad at the other members for being so chilled while Harry was pouring his soul out. I felt like somebody should help him out, save him. Even so, I think it was the first time I thought to myself   “These boys are not a joke. They are actually really,really good.”  I kept my eyes on Harry for the rest of the song. If his vocal coach said to him “Don't forget. It is very important to connect with the audience!” well, he was making a fantastic job because I only recovered my breath when the song stopped and all the lights went out.

I felt disconnected and I wanted more.

“That was weird.” I thought to myself trying to shake the feeling. I could still feel the warm air coming from the car heater on a freezing, December night, my somnolence taking over my eyelashes and him sitting next to me, hands on the wheel, driving along the Pacific Coast.

“Wow, that was surprisingly great.” Jack, my manager, said to me while clapping, clearly impressed.

“Yeah.. “

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⏰ Last updated: May 13, 2014 ⏰

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