Survivor Diaries

Prologue

Depression has my life. My body dangles from its unfortunate hands. Depression tries to hug me, but suffocates me instead. I feel a prisoner, a slave, in its grasp. Blind, paralyzed, when we are face to face. It makes every excuse to keep me right here. Trapped in my mind, stuck in this routine. Wanting to breathe, but suffocated. Seeing the light, but keeping my body in that dark. I can see everything I could be. My original blueprints are visible. But depression had ripped those plans. Printed out a new outline for my life, and that is what I live by now. I don't want this. I feel stuck In place. Locked in a glass box, squished and confined in every corner. Everything is foggy, my life is void, but my vision in crystal. I can see the people around me. Standing by, examining my life in this tiny clear box. They don't try to help. They just pass by. With nods, and sad smiles. They pity me, but don't befriend me. I'm jealous of them. Their lives, I envy. Somehow I feel like if I wasn't me, maybe I wouldn't live like this. Maybe this little box wouldn't be my home. That tears wouldn't be so familiar, that maybe I could embrace those sunny days with a smile as they do. To not be a victim of depression seems like a happy life. A life I want one day hopefully. But it's okay. I survive. I go on each day, a little more broken, but I survive. I wish I could pause time. So I could battle this inner fight within me, in my head. I don't want to lose any more time I already have to this thing. No more days wasted, trying to work up enough energy to even get out of this room that haunts me but keeps me in its comfortable safe. From the world. From its weary corners and scary people. I don't want to live like this. It hurts to breathe sometimes, knowing that every single breathe is dedicated to the enemy. Every pound of my heart, aches to the rhythm of life. I wake up every day wishing I were going back to sleep. Wishing my eyes could close again for an eternity plus forever. Depression destroys. Ruins, kills, scatters. Its taken away my life, and others like me. This world is sad. We stuff our emotions, and when we even want to mention our feelings we get shut down. Were told "it will go away" or "you're being dramatic" Well, those people don't understand what it feels like to be alone when you're so completely surrounded. My heart aches for the ones who hide in the shadows. The ones who are broken and beat but show up everyday trying to appear strong. The ones who feel so alone, it hurts. Those people who seem so confident and together, but hide behind high walls and are actually shattered. You're not alone. I've felt alone for so long, I still do. But I know i'm not. Either are you. This world isn't completely gone. There is happiness, although its hard to find in the pit of pain. I'm not sure what this book is going to fold out to be. If it even will be a book or just a place to write and express my feeling. But either way I hope it helps. To relate to, or to understand what someone with depression goes through. If you don't get anything out of these letters, just know you're not alone. There is always someone who cares right around the corner. These are the survivor diaries.