1~
I sat in the pale green room playing with my fingernails. My feet were crossed under the chair I was sitting on. Click. Click. Click. “Aubrey, it’s been ten minutes and you haven’t said anything.” Yeah, like I’d never heard that one before. “Today’s a good day.” I lied right through my teeth. Today had in fact not been a good day. The usual names had been whispered in the hallway and I had flunked one of my most important math tests. I can’t actually remember the last time I actually had an all right day. “Aubrey, I’m your friend. You can tell me anything.” Theresa said smiling. I knew this woman wasn’t my friend, no matter how much she smiled. My dad paid her to go deep inside me, and pry every detail out of me. She continued to click her pen until I couldn’t take it anymore. “I failed my math test.” I blurted. Again, she smiled showing off her almost perfect teeth. The one in the front was just slightly crooked than the rest of her teeth. They reminded me of myself, seemingly perfect.
Now I know you’re wondering, how did I get myself dragged into a therapist’s office? No, I’m not sixteen and pregnant. No, I’m not an alcoholic. No, I’m not violent. Actually, I was sixteen and pregnant. And I was an alcoholic, but not a bad one. And I was violent at times. All of these things are in my past. As I sat here picking at my nails, I glanced at the clock, I still had over an hour with this woman and I knew I couldn’t just sit here. I sighed, “It’s been a rough week.” I said completely honest this time. As I went on about what was bothering me, I began to hate myself more as each second ticked. Why was I so stupid? My story began when I was sixteen. And yes, it started at a party. And of course like every corny TV show on teennick and abc family, it had to do with a boy. It’s still a mystery how one person can mess with your mind to the point where you don’t even know who you are anymore. I knew that too, but I fell right into the trap.
--
2 years prior
“Charlotte I don’t need anymore makeup trust me.” I urged as she smudged more lipstick on my lips. They were no longer pale pink, but a crimson red-like a clown’s lips. I had done the party routine before. Revealing clothes, hair done perfectly, and makeup caked on. But tonight, according to Charlotte was a special night. She refused to tell me why, but she was my best friend so I trusted her.
That was my first mistake of the evening.
“Aubrey you need to look amazing.” She said curling more chunks of my hair.
I didn’t talk back, I just sit there and let her use me as one of her Barbie dolls. I fit the role with my blond hair, blue eyes, and natural tan. I instantly smiled when I thought of the color blue and the beach. The beach was my escape from the real world. It was where I could let my thoughts out and feel microscopic next to the ocean.
My little Rhode Island cottage was right next to the beach where my dad and I lived. Since I was three, we’d only had each other.
“There, perfect.” Charlotte said impressed with herself. I took a glance in the mirror and forced a smile. My hair was overly curled and my face looked like it was mugged by a pack of crayons. My natural tan, instead a shade of orange covered my body. It was official I was a blond Snooki.
“Thanks Char.” I said in my best fake peppy voice. Charlotte was my best friend and all, but me being the timid one, my opinion didn’t really much matter. As Charlotte gushed on how much she loves Jimmy Holloway, I tried my best to make it look like I actually cared. It’s the same story every single time about the doofus basketball head. She loves how brown his eyes are, and that he’s on the varsity basketball team, and that he drives her around in his new mustang. I don’t think there was anything about him she didn’t love. I didn’t see what the big deal was about this guy. He was one guy. It’s not like he was Taylor Lautner or Channing Tatum that would be a different story. I’ve known Charlotte since we were in diapers and she fell fast, faster than a race with cheetah. Sure the cheetah reference is cheesy, but when I say she falls fast, I mean it. The only thing I really cared about was when she would shove Jimmy out of her memory and move on to another guy.
“So are you ready?” She asked standing up.
She admired herself in the mirror, thrusting her hips and running her fingers through her hair. I smoothed my skirt and pulled it down a little, I could feel my butt getting cold from the lack of fabric on it. “Oh Aubrey come on this is a senior party, dress to impress.” I sighed, and hiked the skirt back up again. I didn’t mind the parties that I was dragged too; actually they were kinda fun when you were one of the few sober people there. Watching drunk girls cry over a guy that’s stuffing fruit in his pants is hilarious. But tonight would surely be different. I knew no one who was going to this party and the seniors were animals. I was more nervous than I had ever felt before.
“Let’s go Aubrey.” Charlotte said when I heard a car honk from outside.
As quickly as any girls in five inch stilettos could, we ran to the car where Liam, Charlotte’s brother, awaited. Her and her brother had the same shade of chocolate hair and light hazel eyes. It was hard to tell that he was a freshman in college and she was a sophomore in high school. The way Charlotte pranced around and dressed made her look older, even though she was one of the youngest in the grade.
“Aubrey.” Liam smiled through the rear view mirror of his Jeep Cherokee.
“Hi Liam.” I said smiling, showing off my brace less teeth. Something inside me wished that he would say something like whoa, no braces! Or maybe you have a great smile but he didn’t, he just continued to drive. I never let a soul know how much my heart ached for Liam, I couldn’t. The embarrassment of someone knowing my secret was enough to make me want to spend the rest of my life curled in bed. I tried shoving all thoughts about Liam and how toned his arms looked in the muscle shirt he was wearing.
“You can drop us off over here.” Charlotte said interrupting my thoughts. “Charlotte you know I’m not crazy about you being out here with these…people.” Liam said somewhat disgusted and angry. “Oh puh-lease.” Charlotte and I hopped out of the car; “I’ll call you when we’re ready.” She said and shut the door. “Bye Liam.” I said shyly. “Catch ya Aubrey.” He called and drove off.
I couldn’t help but stare as the car as the car disappeared into the distance. “Hello, Earth to Aubrey.” Charlotte said waving a hand in front of my face. “Do you have some sort of crush on my brother or something?” Her face looked like she was digging for information. I knew she could tell if I was lying or not so I had to act as calm as I could. “What? No, let’s go find Jimmy.” I grabbed her hand leading her towards the door. She seemed to buy my lie and forgetting about the whole thing by the time we reached the door. When Jimmy opened the door, I swear her smile was from ear to ear. The music that was blasting and I could see a huge group of seniors behind Jimmy as he let us in. There were cans on the floor, girls dancing with their tops off, people laying on the couch, and people making out. It was like any other party I’d been too, times ten. I scanned the room for any familiar face, but I saw no one I knew.
“Alright Char-“ I turned around and she was gone. Jimmy probably stole her away while I wasn’t looking. Now I was nervous. There were so many drunken eighteen year olds around me I didn’t know what to do. “You look lost.” I peered up at a six feet tall guy with sandy hair and pale blue eyes. “Is it that obvious?” I laughed feeling lonely. “Just a little. That your friend?” He pointed to a leather couch where Charlotte was on top of Jimmy sucking his face off. “Well, that’s Charlotte for ya.” I laughed again.
“I take it you guys are somewhat different.” He flashed a smile directly at me. Was this guy…flirting with me? He couldn’t be. There were a ton of prettier girls here willing to do pretty much anything and he was standing here talking to me? “You could say that.” Ignoring what thoughts were racing through my mind, I smiled back. “Can I get you a drink?” He asked eyeing the kitchen. “Sure, that’d be great.” I followed the boy whose name I didn’t know yet to the kitchen that wasn’t crowded at all. He pulled out a bottle of coke, some vodka, and a red solo cup. “Just a little.” I said calmly as he opened the vodka bottle.
“Don’t worry shorty.” He said laughing not pouring too much in. When he was done making my drink, he made himself one and handed me mine. “I never did catch your name.” He said holding his cup up. “It’s Aubrey.” I smiled putting my cup next to his. “Cheers to tonight, Aubrey.” He said and we clinked our cups.
