Cosmonaut

CHAPTER 5: Breathless

Year 2114

4 Days before Region B Launch

Justin walked down the stairs from Fiona's room aimlessly. He spent three days in her house, eating what was left behind in the fridge and cupboards, exploring every corner of every home, looking for impressions of her life with her family that were left behind as a reminder that they lived.

There was nothing too commonplace left behind, like marks on a doorframe for every inch she grew. He knew her mother enough to know that she would just find it too tacky. There were splatters of paint on the wood though, some dashes of color fainter than others, from where her mother used to work, and from where, he imagined, her mother taught Fiona how to paint. He remembered that he learned to paint here too because Fiona always thought it was important to teach him whatever little she knew.

There were oil marks in the garage and gouges in the cement where her father taught her how to take care of her dirty, old, hand-me-down truck, where she fixed its dings and tinkered with it. She wasn't good at that either, but she tried with what she knew and often failed miserably, occasionally triumphing miraculously.

He wandered about one more time before gathering his things. He imagined himself being like a field mouse that wandered in to find warmth only to find that it wasn't warm anymore.

Justin was careful not to leave a mark of his own, not being messy, not adding new chips to the paint or dents on the hardwood floor. In a thousand years, he thought, people will come home to a desolate world and they'll find this house as she had left it, a monument to her, a monument to her family, and a reminder that people used to live here – in this house and on this planet.

Her smell would no longer linger here, nor would his for that matter, but he would fix her bed before leaving so they would know that she was as neat as he knew her to be.

He took his final steps in her home towards the front door without looking at the living room, the kitchen, or the dining room. Too many memories in this house, he thought, for him not to want to sleep here at a time when he may never wake up.

He wondered where his uncle decided to witness the end and thought that it was time that he said goodbye to him too.

He staggered out of Fiona's home, emptied of all his regret and doubt, thinking that there was no uncertainty left for him to feel, because there was no future left for him to fret over. There was nothing worse than this, he thought as he trudged his way towards the truck, but he was never good at anything, or smarter than anyone else, so there was probably nothing better either; living would have been good, but having lived was better than nothing.

He entered the truck and started it, pulling out of the driveway quickly and started driving back to his uncle's house without bothering to look in the rear-view mirror as he drove away from Fiona's house, never to return.

Justin arrived at home and parked the truck in the driveway. He stepped out and walked to the porch and turned to look at the truck before entering, thinking that this was the only time he saw it out front that it didn't mean that Fiona had come to fetch him for one reason or another. It was his now, for a short time, to be sure, but it was a gift and one he would cherish for as long as he could. He wondered if it would be interesting to drive it down empty roads into the horizon as fast as he could right until the last seconds before everything ended. It was interesting – most definitely dramatic – but he knew it wouldn't free him from the fear or the grief. In realizing this, he decided that he might as well stay home, where he can wear his pajamas and turn into dust without a fuss.