Ocean

Most nights I can swim but some nights, I drown and I sink if like an Ancure is dragging me down. I scream and shout but the noises only echo to my self an sometimes I give in and I suffocate under the waters surface. I look up threw the waves and I second guess my purpose but I don't reach  I cant reach i'm tied up by chances sinking like a rock to the bottom of this sea an everyone around me thinks i'm fine. When in reality I cant freaking breath but i'm used to it faking a smile and putting on this  act when I fell like I can never be the strong rule of my own life. If you walked a mile in my shoes would  you be able to live threw a hole night? yeah right. When I was young I used to make sand casuals on the sour and I felt like a king.  An even when the waves destroyed my creation i still felt like a king  I would build castles until the sun set, until my hands went numb from the pain. But today those waves are now hurricanes and my castle my ribs. Any thing I would give for a little fix. You call it a rid cage I call it  a bomb shelter because I am just a grenade an I might just blow up when you pull my pin. At 4 am wide awake fighting the demons from the deep.  I'm at war with my mind when you are asleep I cant win. Depression is an ocean and curtly I am drowning.  Yeah I am smiling but my heard is frowning and as my lungs slowly fill with water I wonder if I can swim for much father. I'm getting tired and no I don't need sleep i'm tired of sleep,tired of school i'm tired of life an yet I am still breathing with a blade of a knife stuck in my lungs. I am still alive but i'm bleeding and i'm numb. maybe I deserve this I deserve this pain I don't deserve the sun I deserve the rain let it soak into my bones and drown mew from the inside out let it run threw my vanes and so I try to cut it out. But no blade can cut deep enough an I can never scream loud enough for all these years I tried to be tough  but now the waves of sadness are swelling each night I am hit by a sonami and I gasp for air before I fall asleep because when I close my eyes i'm under water and I cant breath. An when I wake up I am tired of swimming an all threw the night. Demons are winning the fight between the mind and the heart and its taring my apart and i'm only holding on by a thread. I am on a tight rope balancing over life and death. If I told you about every tear I have cried and how many wished i'v made of the middle of the night you would let the same words slide off your tongue and ease " stay strong". But you have no idea how hard it is for me words cant fix what they have broken. You call me fag but you were joking but who am I  supposed to  believe because I freaking don't believe me. You say that i'm beautiful but I don't see because in this life I'm my own worst enemy. I am the one who causes myself to bleed the scares I ware are painted by me. My body is a canvas an I am the artiste an i may be drowning in this sea but whats the point if you cant hear my screams an maybe you can see that I am fighting at 3 am. In reality i'm just drowning to the bottom of the deep. Don't follow me you wont like what you see. I'm don't fighting a battle that will never end maybe it would be easier if I let the ocean win.