I can remember a Smokey haze, binge drinking on my boyfriends lap, switching between a cooler and a cigarette while his arms were wrapped tightly around my waist, protecting me from harm. I remember not being able to look past the car window as we drank in a haze of urges, a 26 followed by orange juice. Gone in under ten minutes. The look on the boys face as I drank, the impression I was leaving with this group would last a long time. I was "that girl".
I remember the last thing he said before he left me. "Promise me you'll be safe tonight and take tony Tylenol. I love you" he said before kissing my forehead. I walked inside my friends house, her mom greeted me with a smile "how was the date kiddo?" She asked, pulling me into a hug. A second mother. One who, un knowingly would hold me while I sobbed twelve hours later. "It was good!" I reacted, pulling medicine out of the cupboard for my splitting migraine. Courtesy of the massive binge drinking spree I went on the night before, followed by a fatigue filled flare up. She knew I was hungover, my friend yelled my name as she ran in and laughed at my reaction. Wincing in pain as I rubbed my temples. She buckled over and giggled as I ran to tickle her. "Stop fucking yelling you ass" I laughed as she retaliated and pinned me down.
Two hours later I got a text from my boyfriend, "hey, we need to talk" it said. Thinking it was about tomorrow I called him. "Im sorry". He stared off, I didn't know what he was sorry for but he was crying. "Do I need to come over?" I asked. It was now midnight. "No. Please don't. That'll make it harder." He said, crying more.
"I don't love you. I thought i did but I don't think I do anymore. I'm sorry" he stated before I uttered words I wish I hadn't to this day. "Love whoever the fuck you want, just keep me the fuck out of it. I hate you, congratulations. You took advantage of me like you said you wouldn't." I said, yelling at him before hanging up. That was it. The end.
I didn't sleep. I woke up to missed calls and texts from him, I had texted him the night before. Telling him he can get his stuff back after we leave. But I also remember, in a haze of anger saying "if you really want to, do it in person. You spineless cunt". He never showed up. I knew my answer.
One week later, I was back with my friend. In a frenzy of drugs and alcohol. He asked if we could still be friends. I said yes. I bought us coffee and we waited as my friend walked up to us. I looked over as him as he shuffled away from me. I looked over to see his friends looking at us, without realizing it he had wrapped his arms around me, and his hand was creeping up my thigh, "I'm sorry I don't realiz" I cut him off by telling him to shut up and I shuffled my chair away. Getting up when my friend ran in calling my name. My heart hurt. The way he looked at me, lust. It was never love? Was it? I wondered carefully before sitting next to him. He looked me up and down before realizing I had taken off his bracelet. But hickies littered my neck, and my chest was exposed in a sweater too big for me before he realized. He'd done that not two weeks earlier. He'd left those marks. He looked away, whispering. Realizing. We weren't broken up until the remains of what we were faded. Right down to the mark left on our skin.
Lust. A deadly sin, hands roaming un seen places and lips connecting like you were each others oxygen. Lust, a sin driven by greed, take what you want. No strings attached he whispered as his hand lead up my thigh. He was using me, his rebound before I knew he didn't miss the sex but the touch of someone he knew loved him. Before he knew I regretted ever letting him in. The last time I saw him, he was kissing her. My best friend. The last time I saw him, he told me he loved her. The last time I saw him. He told me he missed me, he told me he wanted her.
The last time I saw him, I recall telling him to go to hell.
Hoping, to god he would.
