transit (boyxboy)

sixteen

I was such a fucking idiot, I swear. This day just got worse and worse. I spun around on my heel and made a beeline for the front door. I didn't stop and I didn't plan on stopping, either. I just needed to get the hell out of there. I knew I was spending too much time with Vic. Way too much time. Why would I even kiss his cheek? It wasn't like I liked him, right? Or at least, there was no possible way he liked me.

"Kellin! Wait for a second!" Vic ran out the front door and caught up to me, forcing me to turn around and look down at him. He looked at me with blush actively spreading and a finger steadily resting on the place my lips touched his skin.

"Leave me alone," I sighed and said in a low tone. I wanted to punch myself in the face or just feel how pathetic I was being. What was I doing? What did I do?

"No, I won't leave you alone. Talk to me right now." Vic demanded. I looked at him with eyes visibly overrun with death while his still sparkled when the light hit them. I hated how different I was from him. "Are you okay?" No. I was angry.

"Why?"

"Because you're going through a plethora of different emotions today and I want to know which one you're feeling now." Anger.

"Confusion."

"Okay..." Vic stopped. He sat down on the ground and I continued to look down at him as he sat cross-legged and smiled up at me. "Sit!" I wanted to laugh at how he sat down on the ground when it was freezing. He knew it would make him sick, though, and from what I learned he doesn't like to be sick at all. He told me when he had his head on my stomach one afternoon. He had thrown up before that from some bad lunch and I just happened to stop by. The memory crossed my mind as I sat down in front of him.

"I'm sorry I... kissed your cheek," I mumbled.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" I looked at him with an annoyed look. Like hell, I was going to say it again. "It's okay! It's no big deal. It's not like you stabbed me."

"I know but it probably made you uncomfortable which is making me upset because I keep messing up with you today," I explained. Usually, I wouldn't be so forthcoming and honest about what was happening with me but I couldn't help it with Vic.

"How are you messing up? Because you didn't know what transgender meant?" I nodded. "So? Neither did my parents. But we all learn and there's nothing wrong with finding something new out."

He was right. I knew it. But, still, I sat there and thought. What was I doing, really? Did I like him? Or did I like having him as a friend? It wasn't like I was gay or wanted to date him. I just liked who he was as a person; he made me feel safe and genuine. He didn't make me feel dumb like everyone else did. Only mom had shown me that care before, though. So maybe that's why I was so happy to see him every time I did.

"Every time I am with you I feel... weird. My heart beats a weird rhythm. It makes me queasy but in a good way." I spoke. Vic just sat there and listened. I don't think I planned on stopping soon, though. "When I was a baby, my dad left. He didn't want to be with us anymore because he felt no love towards mom. That she disgusted him. Well, that's what mom told me and I believe her. I have no reason not to. She said he made her feel bad, too. He always hurt her so she felt good to not see him anymore. She didn't want me to grow up like him, I guess. But, I hurt people all the time and feel so disgusted with myself sometimes that I couldn't help but wonder if I was like him. But then I got to know you, and you unknowingly made me realize that I wasn't. That I have a good heart and hurting people isn't always the first thing on my mind because thinking is what I do first. My dad probably didn't think. If he did, he wouldn't have been so awful to mom.' I sighed. Vic just looked at me. What was he thinking of? I looked down as I fiddled with my fingers.

"When I look at you, too, I just think. I think about how I wouldn't hurt you no matter what happened. Isn't that weird?" I finished before Vic lifted my head with his chin to look at me. His eyes were a tiny bit watery. What was he crying at? He leaned forward and touched his lips to mine and I kissed him back. Fireworks went off in the back of my mind and I smiled midway. I wasn't like my dad. I couldn't be. I wouldn't feel this way towards Vic if I were. I couldn't ever be disgusted with him.