Girl;Unknown

a r t e m i s

          My name is Artemis Taina Rose and I'm 16 years old. I live in Roxbury it's a town in Boston, we are like the heart of traffic. From my name most people think my name sounds white, since when did names have a race? I'm African-American, mixed with Native American, Nigerian, and a little Scottish. My middle name means unclear in African, which makes sense to me because everything that has happened in my life, doesn't make sense, not to me at least. It's just my mom and I that live together, my mom chose to leave my dad because he became abusive to me and my other siblings. My two brothers don't live with me anymore, they grew up to be artists. My brother Jacques is an artist with painting, he's created the most beautiful paintings I've ever seen, and my brother Tai he's an amazing dancer, he tells a story with every move he makes. We were all very close until they moved and I didn't want to bother them and their new lifestyle, I thought I'd be a distraction. 

           I woke up this morning, feeling normal, not abnormal, not funny, not weird, not out of the ordinary.... but normal. There was a feeling that today was going to be an "okay" day. I just didn't know how I was going to face that day, an "okay" day can turn out to be not so okay. I also had a strange feeling that something would go wrong, almost like I was in danger. Was I in danger with myself? With Amara? Or is Amara in danger? I don't like this feeling... Hopefully today turns out okay. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, I used to get feelings like this often, after going through a traumatic experience with my dad and mom when I was younger. My dad damn near choked the life out of my mom, and it was a bad situation, and I always felt like someone was going to hurt me or her. 

           I put my thick curly hair in a regular bun, didn't want to bother doing my edges, but I did anyway, and got dressed in a normal black hoodie, white jeans, and my all black high top Vans. I passed by my mom, who was of course on the phone as usual, said bye, got no response as usual and just walked out the door, beginning to get trapped in my thoughts on the way to school. My heart got that weird anxiety feeling it gets as I got closer to the building. I stopped taking the bus because I always ended up sitting on the floor, or the bus driver always closed the door on me, and forget that I was the last person on after all the other kids just step in front of me like I wasn't there.

          As I approached school, I noticed that everyone was looking at me, and acting like I was so important... but then I realized who they were really looking at... my dear friend Amara and her boyfriend... Jabari. Jabari means courageous in African, he sure looked like he was. He was tall, light skin, curly hair, captain of the football team, typical jock type. Amara talked about him an awful lot. I'm surprised that she didn't bring him up last night before she hung up on me. The way he looked at her was... was like she was the only girl in the world. Like she was his everything... like he would protect her no matter what, and he would always be beside her and never leave her because.... He was in love. And so was she. I wish someone loved me, accepted my flaws and took me as I was, but if people actually took the time to know they would probably think I was a freak and a weirdo.

          Everyone was so happy to see them together because they always thought that they were such a cute couple (since this is like the millionth time that they got back together, they had fights but always worked through it). I walked away as fast as I could before Amara could even notice I was there, if she could even take her eyes away for at least one second. I always wondered what that felt like to be looked at like that, the way Jabari looked at Amara. I would love to be looked at like that, I just wanted to feel loved, to belong somewhere, to belong to someone. That is what I was expecting... and sooner or later that's what I was expecting to get.

          When I was in class I saw this boy, he looked just like me... not in the identical, lost family way, but different. He looked like he had my problems, no one listened to him, no one talked to him, he didn't exist, but he wanted to, and he wanted to be heard and noticed. He wanted my needs. He had dark hair, that could reach your soul, like it was all depressing and just into the deep abyss of nothingness, that hair.... frightened you and made you very nervous. That wasn't even it, his eyes were grey, a beautiful grey that practically hypnotized you, made you want to just give in, if he was ever in trouble all he had to do was look at you and you would forget what he even did. Those beautiful grey eyes invited you, made you fall in love, like you couldn't live without seeing those eyes every day of your life. His skin was beautiful too, he had beautiful black skin, that screamed at you, it was like the scream of protest, that he would make every day a better one. His lips were just perfect, he had perfect full lips that made you have the urge to talk to want to hear his voice just so he could talk to you. He was... perfect.

          I just wanted to get to know him, I needed to know him. Who was he? Why is he here? I've never seen him before. That's when my guard was immediately put up, I DON'T know who he is, and quite frankly, maybe it would be best if I just stayed away... That'll be easy no one knows who I am he'll walk right past me. Oh no, I think he just looked at me! Maybe he's just looking behind me. Nope definitely at me, oh no.

          My anxiety is starting to hit me, my palms are sweaty, I feel like I can't breathe, he probably thinks that I'm a weirdo now oh my gosh, what if he tries to.... TALK TO ME?!?!? What do I do? He's walking in my direction. Please don't say hi, please don't say hi, please don't say hi, please don't say hi....

"Hi, I'm Isaac. Isaac Dixon, I'm new here." He greets.

Shit.

"Hi." I greet back barely whispering, not making any eye contact.

"Aren't you going to tell me your name?" he smirks, causing his dimple on his left cheek start to appear.

"It's Artemis." I say quietly, barely whispering, barely speaking.

"Potamus?" He asks in confusion. I chuckled at his confusion. Maybe he wasn't so bad. His voice was like a breath of fresh air, so calm, but intense, yet gentle. I can't even find the words to describe how intriguing he was.

          With the little confidence I had and a little bit of regret, I wrote him a note, telling him to meet me after school in the schoolyard and of course told him my name. Surprisingly, he agreed, my heart just stopped. My anxiety is kicking in so fast, oh no. I hope he doesn't think I'm a weirdo. Oh, my goodness, what if I screw this up. All I want is a friend... someone who won't feel sorry for me. Someone who understands me... But also with him, it was different. When Amara and I became friends, she approached me, but there was something about him that made me want to know more, what story was he hiding behind that intense, yet gently structured face? What pain? What love? What life?

          My curiosity was starting to get the best of me, something new was happening with me. I was finally making my own decisions, deciding for myself to be open and put myself out there to the rest of the world. If anyone was going to make me noticeable, it was myself. I can't be so dependent on everyone else and feel sorry for myself. At the end of the day the only person getting in my way, is me.

         So, why not move those obstacles, by starting the clock? I used to stay still and stare at time as if I had nothing left to do, but just watch the hands tick, though the strangest thing is those hands were never moving. Not for me, but for everyone else. . But as soon as I take my eyes off of that clock, I can start living, those hands will start to move for me and I can stop being the doormat. I need to not be so dependent on Amara. She always felt pity for me, she has a nice life, unlike me, and she's always given me the look of pity. I love her, but why should she be the only friend I have and why should she feel like she has to be my friend because no one else will. She's said it enough to me before whenever we would have arguments, well, now she won't have to.

I don't know him and usually strangers can be good or bad. But how will I really know which one he is if I don't get to know him first? I have that feeling in my heart again, what if this is a good feeling? What if it's a bad one? I spend way too much time asking what if questions. That time is over.

How will I know it's the right decision if I never make it?