Karakuri Pierrot | A Vocaloid Story

Change

Can't wait 2 see you tmrw : )
- Meet by your place, right?
Yep : )
- Okay, see you then <3
goodnight, sleep well!
- Ily 

Ilyt

Just reading the words on her screen caused a quiet sob to escape Mallow's lips as her tears dripped freely onto the glass, blurring the words like water colors. It had been only a week since he told her. Only a week. His words were burned into her mind. No matter how hard she tried, nothing could wash them away. Not the tears, not the tea, not the hot midnight bathes or the blood on her fingernails as she anxiously bit them away. It hurt. And she couldn't bear it. 

It wasn't like he respected her anyway, he was never a dependent friend. Mallow only loved him for the good parts- the bad ones, she appreciated too. He was too fragile- Mallow felt she had to walk on tiptoes around him. One wrong move and he'd crumble. Her mental health was already so breakable, she was in danger around him. Talking to him. All his troubles dumped on her all the time when they were friends. She didn't want to let go still.

In the years of their friendship, they'd only gotten closer and closer. Shared everything. They embraced so tight and lay together at night staring at the stars, but it wasn't enough. Not for him. She was... she was a puppet, and he saw her as so. Any whim of his, Mallow would be there. Any plea or problem, she could help. After all, she was always willing to give up a piece of herself for him. 

We...? there was never a 'we'. I never loved you. I'm sorry.
- don't apologize, it's not your fault

But he was the one who instilled those feelings, that love. Toying with her emotions, playing and twisting until she could no longer breathe. And then she was forced to live. 

Watching them grow together, quietly told to sit and wait. Wait for someone that wasn't coming. Two hours, three hours, 6 hours, nobody came for Mallow, nobody came to cut her strings and set the pierrot free. The Earth spun around and around and life went on, quiet little Mallow stayed quiet. After all, nobody could know, right? About them. About how she suffered, how she hurt. 

Change is the hardest thing. It's just so scary, it's so scary. There's so much she didn't want to lose. If everything stayed the same, maybe it'd be okay, right? Maybe living a fake happiness, a cat and mouse game, that was for the best and then everyone would be happy, right? She was so afraid. She didn't want to lose him- she didn't want to lose herself. 

Both easy and difficult, putting on a mask every day to please the crowds. The little clown Pierrot, dancing just to make him happy. Dancing to keep him safe. Dancing until her legs ached and her skin bled and her eyes turned red because if he wasn't hurting, that was good, right?

And though the toxicity, the pain and the glass shattering in her heart went unnoticed, she knew this couldn't be for the best. Mallow tried and tried. Acceptance, Denial, Anger, Depression, Acceptance, Denial, Anger- it went by so fast.

First it was no. Everything is still okay, Mallow loved him and he.. was there for her.

Then it was the tears. How could she? Mallow loved him. 

Then the pleas. If she just stayed quiet, if did everything she wanted.. because Mallow loved him.

And now the sobs. The heartbreaking tremors running through her veins and her mind and her body. She could cry 'it hurts' all she wanted but those who wished to help were so far away, not that they could hear. He, he was too fragile to break. She couldn't do that to him. 

There's always the one who gets hurt, nobody can prevent it. So he can be happy, Mallow cried and cried, out of breath and gasping for air, as the earth kept spinning. God, change is so terrifying. She didn't want to change, she didn't want to lose him. 

Maybe it was for the best but she was scared. So scared. So alone and so lost and the lighthouse's rays couldn't reach her, clinging to the bouy in the dark water, blood calling the sharks to her frail body. The boat was too far and the water too dark. 

Acceptance is the answer, isn't it? Moving forward will make it all okay. Mallow took a step into the light, strings hanging limpy from her hands, but she lost her footing before she got too close. As she stood on the stage, surrounded by the playing cards, there was so little she could do. She was a Pierrot, manipulated to his everlasting end. The pain, unspoken. He wouldn't know it anyway. She couldn't do that to him, could she? With all that love in her heart, how could she do that to him? She didn't wish the sorrow upon anyone. Not him. Though he didn't feel the same way. And that.. that was okay. Maybe she just would hurt, for a bit.