another story

understand.

I want someone to understand. I want someone to listen. Listen the words lodge in my throat. The words of bitterness, sorrow, and loneliness. Understand this familiar words but not so.

I'm afraid someone would not welcome me. They would not embrace the emptiness I feel. Empty - I always know. The ever clingy friend but also a foe. I feel empty talking with someone. I feel empty just existing in this world. I thought it's just enough to inhale and exhale. I thought wrong.

It's hard to adjust with just a short notice. I just recently found out that someone really needs to have someone they talk to. And I found out I don't have one. To talk that they're not okay. That their shoulders are so heavy with pressure and disappointments. "I don't have that. I'm so pitiful."

We were talking about our friend. Friend who has above-average standing in life and that friend we admired. That friend who has four siblings. That friend who is struggling on the course they're taking up. That friend who does the household chores. That friend who is responsible, discipline even if that friend is struggling. That friend has many problems. The talks continue, problems someone are facing. I was silent. "Do you have problems in life?" this stung me. Is my face saying that I don't have problems? The question threw me off guard. The tone I don't like - mockery. Anguish the friend didn't understand me. My nose prickles. Water threaten to fall from from my eyes. "Of course. Who doesn't have problems?" Silence envelope between us after. I was not happy. I am not.

I am just here. A mere existence. I am not happy.