S. M. I. L. E. (discontinued)

I feel so lost

I don't know what happened.
I got better.
Now here I am.
Back to self harm and barely living through days.
What happened to me?
I look back on the parts of this book and I just cringe.
So much has happened and yet nothing happened at the same time.
I got a therapist... Didn't work out.
I don't regret not wanting to go back.
It didn't help anyway.
My friend said the only two solutions to depression is therapy and pills (I thought of the obvious third way out... suicide).

I
Will
Never
Take
Antidepressants.

I've heard that schools will want to control your dosage. F*ck that. I don't want to be my mom. I don't want 50 pill bottles. I don't want to take 8 pills a day just to live... But then again who would call my mental state "living"?

I feel so alone. Like no one would understand me if I told them everything.

But then again like my therapist once said: 'Why burden others with your problems?'
Oh yes, why talk about my problems to other people? Oh why talk to them at all? Why talk at all? Why do I even breathe?

I know... Some people might say, "Oh, you took their words too far!"
No I didn't... I mean maybe I did... But that's just how my mind works.

A girl once saw above my elbow where some of my scars are.
"What are those?" she asked.
"Scars, " I simply said.
"What from?" she asked.
My face gets hotter as I try to look for a distraction. My three friends behind me start making jokes and I turn around and laugh with them.

This happened today (12-1-17)

It sucked.
I want to tell them.
I want to tell everyone about my scars.
What I've lived through in my brain.
Maybe it'll give them encouragement.
To let them know that they can go through absolute f*cking hell in their heads and still have a chance of living through it. Just like I've done.
But like I've said.
Am I actually living?
Is the state I am in right now considering living?
For me I'm still in that hell.
At least I have someone that makes hell feel like home.

I'm so confused about everything.
I don't know who I am.
I'm not good at anything.
I dont have any talents or skills.
I'm just me.
I'm a stranger.
I'm a stranger to myself.
I'm a stranger no one cares about.
I'm a stranger going through an invisible war with themselves.

;

I don't know what I'm going to do anymore.

I'm just going to try to stay alive.

Hope you do the same.

Bye.