phan oneshots

always.

a/n this is really really sad and i wrote it a few months ago in july in my notes app. if you don't like this depressing shit then you should probably click off. the next one is better but it's gonna take me a while to finish so hold on tight. THIS IS CRINGE AS SHIT SO DONT KILL ME
trigger warning- cutting, depression, and anxiety

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always. - phanfic {gay fluff as expected, depression, cutting, mentions of wanting to die but no one dies}

phil had become too overwhelmed. his anxiety, moving to a new house, his family was breaking apart slowly, things with the world happening, his secret with dan, it was too much. he couldn't handle it. he gets extreme anxiety when on stage, presenting something, so doing work on collabs was worse.

phil had almost given up, he knew that shit all the tumblrinas put out saying, "it'll get better. just hold on." but he was starting to deny it. REALLY deny it.

he had been dealing with these things for a few years. the only thing really holding him up was dan. but his relationship with dan had been kept a secret so long, he was tired of holding it back.

phil wanted to die. badly.

stuff happens with phil that you can tell it's starting to get bad again. he starts not sleeping, his eyes are red, he can't seem to think straight, and he just doesn't want any human contact at all.

and dan could tell he was getting bad. if dan asked phil if he wanted to film, he would just immediately turn him down. if dan wanted to cuddle, talk. phil wouldn't answer.

dan waited a couple days though. it had been going on for a couple of weeks and usually it gets better after a couple of weeks. he shouldn't have waited that long.

then it got really bad. that's when dan asked phil if he was okay, was when he found blades lying on the bathroom counter.

phil was sitting on the couch scrolling through twitter. dan walked in, he sat on the couch and asked phil, "phil are you okay?" phil sat there. he didn't say anything. there was an awkward silence for a good five minutes.

then phil shut the laptop and panickingly muttered, "no."

"everything's wrong," phil manages to croak of his mouth. "everything's just terrible. wrong. just dirty secrets about our relationship, batshit crazy phans, my family problems, the giant clusterfuck that is the world. my anxiety is worse too. it's so much. i seriously, not jokingly just want to die." phil starts sobbing. you can tell he's held this back for a while.

"awwww lion;" dan says taking phil into his arms. (i hate myself so much for using the nickname "lion" but what can you do i literally wrote this a few months ago)

"i was so depressed and confused and anxious," phil says completely sobbing into dans chest. "i cut."

dan knows he had. "please don't be mad," phil says.

"phil, why would i be mad at you? i've dealt with stuff like this myself. i would never be mad, lion. it's okay." dan says, stroking phil's hair and whispering 'it's okay' numerous times.

phil rolls up his sleeve and reveals the cuts. dan just takes phil in his arms, not letting go.

"lion, look at me." dan says, grabbing phil's face. "phil, i promise, it will get better. it will. and no matter what ohappens, i'm here for you. always. just please make a promise to never, ever cut again. i can't stand seeing you like that. i love you so much and can't imagine my life without you."

phil calms down long enough to say. "i can make a promise to not cut again and come to you when i need help. dan i love you, so much. it was stupid, stupid for me to draw this upon myself. but i love you, and you're here."

"i am here. and i love you so much." dan says, tears falling from his eyes, his face an inch away from phil's.

dan grabs phil in, kissing him, tasting the salty tears that landed on his lips.

"you look exhausted from no sleep. do you wanna go to bed?" dan asks phil still holding him.

"as long as we're together i don't care." phil says.

they head off to bed, kiss, then fall asleep.

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I TOLD YOU IT WAS DEPRESSING AND YOU READ IT ANYWAYS