A short story

I can't

 The nights grew longer and the days got shorter. Staying here wrapped up in a blanket staring out the window was going to kill me. I lost track of time, then snow started to fall. Winter is here. There was no telling if i would break from this but i'm certain i won't. 

As sad and depressing it is, i'm kind of glad it happened. If it didn't i would've never got over the fact that the thoughts that went through my mind were real. I haven't ate solid food in months. My sister comes in and makes sure i'm getting enough food from my feeding tube and enough liquid in my IV. after the first 2 months, it was hard to just sit here but i knew i didn't want to leave this place. The outside world is dangerous. I feel safe here in a place where i know nothing bad can happen to me. 

I feel like doing something today, which is weird for me because now a days i don't like doing anything. I get up and i check the time. It's about 9 in the morning. For the first time in a while i get up to walk to my restroom. I try not to look at myself in the mirror, i know my body is discussing and i don't want to look at it if i'm all bone. I turn on the shower and start undressing. I can see how skinny i am by the boney ness in my fingers. A thought crosses my mind and i build up the courage to look at myself because i know that if i look at myself i'll know what's wrong with me and i can make myself better.

I glance, looking over my shoulder. The horrifying image that i saw in my head was now in the mirror. I broke down in tears. I turned all the way around the only thing on me was my bra and underwear otherwise i was naked. I put my hands on each side of the sink and looked at myself in the mirror. 

"Disgusting." i said to myself. I tears stopped and anger arose. I am so mad at myself for putting myself into this. I'm sick of this, physically and mentally. I go to my night stand and pull out the drawer. I pull out what i was looking for and fill up the tub.

I put down the object and go to my closet. I pull out some clothes and put them on. I start to cry because i know how my sister will react. I feel bad because then it will only be her but it's for my own good. I walk back to the tub which is halfway full. I grab the object from the counter and my phone. I opened my notes and left a note for when my sister or whoever finds me. I've made up my mind and i know now that i'm going to kill myself. I feel like it's the only way. The only way to stop feeling the way i feel, and take me out of this world once and for all.

I called harry but he didn't answer so i left him a voice mail.

"Hey its me, i know you're probably going to delete this but i just want to take a few moments to say things. I love you and i always had... things didn't end good between us. I'll miss you, you made me happy and made me look in a different point of view. I'll miss looking into your deep green eyes and your goofy smile... you're the last person i called. I guess hearing your voice would've made me think otherwise of my decisions. I hope you live life to the fullest. I love you. Bye."

I hang up the phone and i stare at my reflection on the metal. I tiddle the sharp razor blade between my fingers. My phone starts ringing and it's harry. I don't answer. I take the razor up to my wrist and lightly slide it across. Blood starts to make an appearance. I reach down my phone and play one last song before i end it once and for all. Sign of the times. I still love it. And him. My phone starts to ring again. And again, but yet i still don't answer. I put my phone down and go back to what i was doing.

There was no pain when i did it lightly. So i went over it again and this time i went long ways. Starting from my elbow to my wrist. I scream in agony as the pain nearly makes me faint. I hear my phone ring again. I go to my other arm and do the same. But this time it felt even worse. I drop the razor blade on the floor and dip my arms in the water. I start to slowly drift away as the blood from my body is draining.

"Cynthia!" I hear my name being called but the voice seems every far.

"CYNTHIA!" This time i heard it right next to me. I recognized that voice anywhere. I try to come back but i'm so far and i can't. I feel my body being lifted up and i'm put in a car.

I black out.

I sleep restlessly. A sleep i've never had before. I suddenly hear screaming. But it's not a yell its argument. It's two men. I can't make out what they were saying.

I sleep again.

I wake but I can't open my eyes. I hear beeping, and people talking. 

"So this girl commits suicide because a man wont love her back?" i heard on doctor say to the other.

"Apparently so. Young people get so crazy in love that when they do thing like this, they do it for attention, mainly for them." the other doctor responded.

"Well maybe it was the fact of love. They loved eachother so much that the man felt it was best to take a break. And no it's not no ordinary man. It was Harry styles. Loads of people love him. I did once, but that all changed. He left and she couldn't bare to live without him. She needed him." I knew who that was. He was no doctor to begin with. He was famous, but he gave it up to save people's lives.

"Doctor Tomlinson if you will close up. Were done here." the surgeon sounded angry. I heard the stopping to the door and the pull of his scrubs. Louis came over to my left side.

"It's ok love. I understand what you're going through. He was once mine to. I loved him as much as you do, and i would do anything to get him back. But now that he's here with you i can tell he really loves you." he whispered gently in my ear.

I don't know how long i've been in here but i want to leave. The operating room is the last thing i want to be in right now. I can feel the rolling of the bed as i lay there in pain from my wrists. We reach the room and i can hear harry exhaled in relief. I Don't understand what happened to me. I feel something in my throat and i start to gag. Someone immediately comes over and pulls the tub out of my mouth. I can breath, but it hurts to breath.

"Chloe! Oh thank god you're awake love!" i hear harry excitement burst through his words.

I open my eyes and i see harry with a big smile, i look around and he's the only one here, except for Louis

"H--ha---harry." my throat is dry and rough. I look at him and smile. He leans down and kisses my cheek. I pull my hand up to touch his curls i miss touching him.

"No no no no, do not move your hand or your arm. You don't want to ruin the stitches." louis says putting my arm down. I smile at him and grasp his hand. I squeeze twice and let go. Him and harry make eye contact and harry looks angry at him. He looks at him with sad eyes. I turn to harry and my smile fades. I look in his eye and he looks like this is all his fault. He reaches down and grabs myhand. I squeeze his hand and he looks at me and i look at him. I scooch over so he could lay next to me.

I pat the empty space with my hand and he gets on. His arm goes under my head and my arms lay on his chest. My head lays on his left peck and i can hear his heart beat fast. We layed there watching t.v. i start to drift away but not sleeping. I feel myself getting light headed and my arms and legs feel heavy. It's hard to catch my breath, my chest feels heavy. Then i hear a loud beeping noise. I'm gone...

I hear distant screams of nurses and doctors. "Remove him!"

"He's dead."

"Get him out of here."

"We can't move...."

"Dead...."

"body ."

I can feel my heart drop at the thought that me and harry died next to each other. My thoughts start to race and i feel like crying. But i can't, my body won't let me.

"3....2...1...CLEAR!

I'm alive but I don't want to be.