Precious

My lungs fill with air as my rib cage expand and it all releases with a soft yawn. I blink a few times before letting my eyes adapt to the daylight streaming through the curtains that we forgot to close last night. Dan is lying in my arms, unfazed by the light of day or the soft ring of the phone in the background. His sleeping form is comfortingly warm lying on my rising chest, his slender legs are interlocked with mine and his left arm is resting on my stomach. My eyes gaze up to his right hand. There it is. His delicate fingers are wrapped around to form a soft fist and his thumb is placed firmly in his mouth. It’s precious. I crawl out of bed and answer the phone and then slide back in with Dan, my veins bubbling with excitement from the phone call.

Every day when he wakes up he quickly pulls his thumb out as if nothing ever happened, it’s the same at other times too; when he’s editing, when he’s upset, when he’s tired. It’s not difficult to catch him with his thumb in his mouth but even more adorable than his childish habit is the gentle blush that washes over his cheeks when he realises what he’s doing.

It was a habit I noticed the first time we slept together, just like today he laid in my arms with his thumb in his mouth gently sleeping and four years later he still has no idea that I know about it. I remember the way he felt so familiar in my arms as he slept even though this was the first time we had shared a bed. We were breathing in time and the heat radiating from his heartbeat reached every inch of my entire body. I noticed a lot that night, I suppose I wasn’t particularly tired and watching his resting frame seemed so much more preferable than sleeping. I noticed the soft down on his legs was a slightly lighter shade of chestnut than the hair on his head, I noticed his willowy fingers had a quality to them I had associated with master craftsmen, I noticed the petite heart-shaped birthmark on the sole of his right foot but the way he sucked his thumb in time with both our breath seemed so important in a way I couldn’t quite put words to – it was significant.

I still don’t know why it appears so momentous to me but it’s as if it’s a major part of his whole being and as preciously as I look over the hair on his legs and the way his fingers grow from his hands and the delicate mark on his foot it seems more like context in comparison to the plot of Dan Howell and the way he sucks his thumb.

Sometimes I wonder how he can even be naive enough to believe that I’m oblivious to it. We’ve lived together for nearly three years for goodness sake! But then I remind myself that he’s so embarrassed by it he’d probably rather just convince himself that I have no idea than accept that it’s something I see him do on a daily basis.

The funny thing is though, I love it. I love the contented look in his sleeping face when he relaxes with the comfort of his thumb; I love everything that makes Dan happy. I find it strange that Dan wants to hide something from me that I love so much. I wonder if when we have children if they will grow out of thumb sucking faster than their father, I chuckle at the thought of Dan holding a child with one hand and using the other hand to suck his thumb.

“Morning,” Dan mumbles in my arms, eyes still closed, with his thumb dragged out of his mouth, “you woke me up with your laughing!” he accuses me.

“Sorry, love, I was just thinking,” I reply

“Thinking about what?”

“I was just wondering if when we have kids if you’ll still be sucking you thumb” I giggle.

Dan immediately looks embarrassed, as a deep pink glow blossoms on his cheeks, “I th- I thought you didn’t know about that,” he stutters.

“Dan I’ve known you for over four years, of course I know! Besides you shouldn’t be embarrassed, I think it’s endearing!”

“You’ve known for that long and you didn’t think to mention it! Maybe I don’t want to have kids with you anymore!” Dan jokes.

“Oh well it’s a bit late for that! I got a call from the adoption agency before you woke up – we’ve been approved, we can start visiting foster homes next week!”

“You’re kidding?! That’s amazing! We’re going to be Dads!”

“We’re going to be Dads” I grinned.

And just like that there was one thing more beautiful than the way Dan sucked his thumb – the way Dan’s face changed when he found out he was going to be a Dad.