FRAGMENT | NORMINAH

TWO

EMOTION;
a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others

My heart was racing and my chest was burning as Dinah was looking me straight in my eyes cholericly. She's seen me cut before, but not like this.

"What the hell did I tell you about doing this shit?" Dinah asked furiously.

I couldn't do anything but cry and breathe heavily. Dinah stepped up to the tub and yelled in my face, "Get all of this shit cleaned up!"

The door slammed and I was left in tears, having to clean my own blood up.

After about 40 minutes the blood was scrubbed up and I was dressed. My body was still trembling from anxiety and my eyes were burning from all of my tears. I didn't understand why it didn't work, or why any of my previous attempts didn't work, it's like there's some reason behind it.

I put my hair up in a ponytail and walked out of the bathroom. As soon as I turned around my face immediately met Dinah's.

"Are you fucking dumb?" the palm of her hand pounced on my cheek. "Do you not realize how much you make my blood boil on a daily basis?"

My face was burning but I expected this. She hits me whenever I stress her out. A lot of people would view this as abuse, but as for me, I see it much differently. If I was to tell her what she's doing to me is abuse I would get beaten 10x worse. I know she's been dealing with a lot and has utmost anger issues, so I let it be. Although, I do question if the reason that I let her get away with these things is because I have feelings for her.

It's not common for a girl to fall in love with her pimp, but it happened to me four weeks after my mother sold me to her. To this day i'm still unsure about why I was sold away, I thought my mother cared about me enough to never do something like that, but I thought wrong.

One night my mother told me to follow her to her car, and I did. She started driving and we arrived at the outside of a club. A blonde woman stared me down, licked her lips, and grabbed my arm. I tried to get away but her grip on me was too strong. The blonde stretched her arm out and handed my mom money and I was left confused. When I saw that my mom was getting into the car I realized that she was leaving and I was startled. It took me about a week to fully understand what happened. I've been gone for a month and still haven't had any contact with my mom, but at this point I don't want to have anything to do with her.

"Listen Normani, I worry about you a lot. Your scars make your body look hideous, who would wanna fuck someone with cuts all up and down their arms? Think about it. I know you're selfish and you probably don't give a fuck about my business but you better respect it. Don't run my customers off I need this fucking money and you do too."

"Well maybe I don't want men inside of my body every week..." I accidentally blurred out.

"What did you just say?" she looked me like i was crazy.

She grabbed me up by my wrists and put her face close to mine. The thought of thinking about what she was gonna do to me next was terrifying. Her nails dug into the skin of my wrists, getting deeper by every second. She was concentrated on my eyes, and her face got redder than I had ever seen.

All of a sudden, everything stopped.

Her hands were removed from my wrists and when she looked down at the marks she had made on me, and the marks that I made on myself, she rushed to the bathroom and threw up. Now i've been left utterly confused from what just happened. I knew she thought that my scars were ugly but I didn't know she felt that deeply about it...

When she came back into our living room I saw her tear up. Then, she walked over and sat on the bottom of our staircase. I rubbed her shoulders attempting to calm her down but she pushed them off lightly.

"Normani"

"Yes?"

"Why do you love me?"

My mind completely exploded after that question. I didn't know what to respond with.

"What the fuck?" I accidentally said.

My mind wasn't prepared for that question at all. How did she know that I have feelings for her? Why would she ask that question?

She put her head down saddened by my response. I felt bad but I just didn't know what to say. Everything was confusing me and I couldn't believe what I heard. The weird thing is that when I cussed at her she didn't hit me, she just looked at me in tears.

"How do you know how I feel about you?"

"I'm not dumb, I see the way you look at me and how jealous you get when Tiana and Kaylie are around."

Tiana and Kaylie are the other two girls that live here with Dinah. One of Dinah's old prostitute's, Justine, used to live here with us but she got tired of Dinah's strict rules and left. She was my favorite one here, my best friend as a matter of fact, and Dinah beat her almost to death for leaving. None of us know where she went but I hope to god she's safe.

"Well, I love you because of a lot of things. Your smile, your beauty, your-"

"But how can you love someone who beats on you and forces you to have...never mind. Forget we had this conversation."

She started walking up to her bedroom but I hugged her before she got the chance to go. Her mouth dropped and she looked at me. Her lips planted a kiss on my head and her arms held me tight. This...is heaven.

"I know i'm horrible for the things that I do, but you really do make me happy. I take my frustration out on you a lot and I'm sorry. I really am."

"I know that you're a better person than what your actions say. You just need to work on yourself if you're trying to become a better person."

"I apologize for being so affectionate, I haven't shown this side of me in years."

"No, this is great. I love it. Please don't let me go..."

Dinah smiled and then held me tighter and I felt a tear crawl down my neck from her. I felt her hand start to rub my back and I laid my head into her chest. This is all I've ever wanted. To be loved and cared for. I just hope that when she gets mad at me again things won't be as bad as it was.