Oh, Well, Hello there, kids! Merry Christmas! I'm Big Papa, everyone's favorite storyteller. I'm here to tell you the tall tales of all around the world. Hm.... Let's scan through these books....
Aha! Here we go. 'How Jake Paul stole Christmas' Let's get into it, no?
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It was the night before Christmas, and Jake Paul was a very mad being. Everyone was calling him a meme! So, he thought, 'HEYHEYHEYH! IF EVERYONE WANTS TO TALK ME DOWN, I'LL TAKE WHAT THEY LOVE THE MOST! CHRISTMAS IS MINE!!!!' As Jake Paul laughed to himself, he got into a suit. It was green and lean, and... smelled like shit. As he went outside, with his hover mobile, and drove into the moonlight with a loud and evil squeal.
He saw Santa, flying across the sky. As he threw a spear, right into his eye. The reindeer went down with a neigh, as Jake Paul shouted 'Hooray!'
He dropped down onto Santa's head, and had to make sure, that he was dead. After this was done, he grabbed the gifts. He knew to burn them, would be fun. As he flew to the air, in the mid-dawn light, he heard all the parents and kids, screaming with fright. Suddenly, he felt his old heart change. And turned out, to make the exchange. He went back down, admitted Santa's death. And handed out presents, for all the young.... uh.... hmm... what rhymes with death..uh... children-eth. He heard someone shout 'GET ON THE FUCKING GROUND YOU PRICK!' And tazed his thigh. Then he woke up, being raped in the eye. Jake Paul was in prison, as he screamed and yelped. 'Merry Christmas to all, And all please send help!'
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Well, there you have it, kids. That's how Jake Paul stole Christmas! What's that? That's not how the story went? You wanna fuckin die, kid? No. Then shut up.
Anyways, Merry Christmas to all! And to all, a lit, Night!
