coming home

may 23rd, 2011

Sam's mixtape, in all honesty, was goddamn depressing. Songs like "Cheap Thrills" and "Can't Stop the Feeling" bored him in less than two months, but he could listen to "Photograph" for freaking years on end. Dean honestly felt like breaking down into tears a few times while he was putting the mixtape together. The songs were actually not terrible—Dean was a lot more flexible in music taste than he let on. (He just hated synthesizers, to be honest. Everything else was honestly fine with him.)

The complete mixtape:

       1. "I'm Yours" - Jason Mraz
       2. "A Thousand Years" - Christina Ricci
       3. "Breathe Me" - Sia
       4. "Photograph" - Ed Sheeran
       5. "Safe and Sound" - Taylor Swift
       6. "Sorrow" - Sleeping at Last
       7. "Coming Home Pt. II" - Skylar Grey
       8. "Supermarket Flowers" - Ed Sheeran
       9. "If I Die Young" - The Band Perry

The songs were beautifully written, sung, and performed. While the content did make Dean flinch sometimes, he knew he'd be there for Sam if he ever went off the edge. He had to be. He was the older brother.

It's been six months since Dean hasn't been able to do that.

All those six months, there's been no Metallica playing in the Impala. No Led Zeppelin, no AC/DC, just Sam's mixtape constantly running in loops every day. Dean knew that overuse would eventually break the mixtape, but he didn't care. Once the songs stopped playing, the Impala would stay silent. The question was when the rickety tape would give out.

Dean gave it about three weeks until total damnation.

Cas never comments on why there's depressing alternative pop playing in the Impala instead of the regular classic rock—and Dean's goddamn thankful for that. Explaining the rugged tangle of emotions fluctuating in his heart would break Dean beyond Cas' reach. It wouldn't be the good type of breaking either—Dean could do all types of shit to his body but his heart was always so friggin weak. It's not like Cas is a heartless dick of an angel, though; there are the quiet glances that Dean silently catches, the way Cas instinctively reaches for Dean's hand when he sees him tense—all of those, they mean the world to Dean. Dean appreciates Cas' quiet concern; it's reassuring to know Cas won't push for answers, but that he still cares.

To be honest, Cas seems more interested in the music playing in his Baby than ever. It's not a huge surprise—"Sorrow" is practically a summary of Cas' life. What is a surprise is that Cas seems to be more interested in the song after that: "Coming Home Pt. II". Dean can see the effect the song has on Cas—the small twitches of his fingers, the glaze that flickers past his eyes everytime he hears the chorus, the shudders rippling just beneath his eyelids—the tears underneath his eyelids. Dean really appreciates Cas' quiet concern and he's pretty sure Cas does too, but he can't help but be curious as to what exactly comes to Cas' mind when he hears the song.

Dean's thought about that song long enough to guess what Cas might relate to. The idea of peace, of a home where every part of him was accepted...it was paradise. Dean never had a true home, just his Impala, Sam, and Bobby—and two out of three were out of the picture. Cas rebelled against Heaven and now he was here, dealing with a shitty excuse of a human—

Wait.

Cas rebelled against Heaven—for Dean.

Shit. This was his fault. Again.

Dean feels the waves of anger and hatred rush over his body and the need to rip off his skin, always simmering quietly the past six months, intensifies. He grits his teeth and grips the wheel harder to remind himself he's on the goddamn road. If he wants to rip himself into pieces? Fine. Wreck Baby along the way? No freaking way.

There is a heavy gaze that rakes across his body, and Dean almost doubles over from the amount of concern emulating from the angel sitting in shotgun. Damnit. Dean didn't want Cas to baby him. He wasn't fine, not in that particular sense, but he wasn't going to shatter in front of Cas. That was why he never actually crossed the line between life and death yet—Dean was not going to break Cas too.

The thought steels him. The grip on his wheel relaxes.

Cas cares about him. Dean won't be the one to shatter him.

The songs keep on going.

⊶ ⊷

A somewhat long update-it isn't 1k though, that one's for the next chapter :)

Yes, yes, I know that some of the songs were not out yet in this time in the real world, but--and I'm being as nice as I can here--I really don't care because these are good songs and they fit this story so go screw yourself if you want to whine about it :)

Yes, I'm emotional right now. Can you blame me? "Time" - Hans Zimmer is always a tearjerker. Also I just feel really snappy and grumpy right now but what the hell can fix a bad mood, right?

Hope you like this chapter, regardless of my fluctuating emotions.

Gif:

- Evelyn Hayes (•-•)