Howdy,
My name is David and I consider that I have a very interesting personality. Many people say that I am a soulless piece of shit, and they are partially right. You may ask me now why do I say that they are partially right. Well let me tell you a bit about my life and origins.
I was born in a normal, simple family. Both my parents have some normal jobs that of course don't pay well. But luckily I did inherit the best qualities from both of them. My dad did excel in mathematics and has a great memory. My mom on the other hand is a very creative person with high drawing skills. Thanks to these qualities of them I did become a person with a very good memory and high level knowledge in mathematics and programming with a very logical way of thinking. Also I have been lucky and so I inherited my mom's creativity. So with these attributes I became a person with lots of ideas and the capability to make those ideas come to life. Therefore when you are like me, you see, observe and absorbe every little information that you can. This can lead to realising that you are living in a very shitty environment and that people are really trying to help only themselves. Seeing and realising these facts can lead to you becoming a person without feelings who doesn't care about people because it's better to be safe than betrayed and stabbed in the back. Until the age of 13 I was like that, but I still had some feelings and sometimes I was happy, but after that thanks to somebody I got to say "fuck everything and fuck everybody, it's not worth the pain" and so in a period of 3 years I got rid of all my emotions. In the meantime I also did improve my psychology skills so I could manipulate people and so that I can get to know what somebody really wants before they might hurt me.
Then at the age of 16 I realised how many good people are around me and little by little I started to get my feelings back. It was fun at the beginning but after a while with the feelings did come the pain as well. That pain brought back the worst childhood memories which did got me to the edge of getting into depression. Then I said that it's enough, I gotta do something. I couldn't do shit, the pain kept coming and it did slam me to the fucking ground. I tried getting up but I felt chained to the ground without any possibility of moving. I have been trough all 3 parts of being a person on the edge of depression. In the first part everybody could see that I was sad as hell and I looked weak, I was like a stray dog in front of a store, I was standing there waiting for someone to lift me up, help me. Nobody did. Sometimes I even got kicked into because I was weak. After some months I did realise that showing it to the people is bad for me. Then I did hide all the unbearable pain by putting on a mask with a smile on it. People thought that I was happy so they act like I was a normal human being again. It was good, but every day that I got home I did fucking fell with my face between the pillows and sometimes I was looking at the the knife and my wrist like they were made for one another. The only escape that I had was sleep. Sleep got me into a sweet world of dreams where the pain stopped from existing. Some months later I felt like I had enough so what did I do? I did empty my soul from feelings again but this time I left a little tunnel in the darkness where I could get to my friends and be happy. It did finally work, I could live a normal life without suffering because of my feelings that were suffocating me. And life kept going well, with little ups and downs, but it was fun, I did enjoy it. Somehow one day my best friend did something that would have changed my life in a radical way. Thanks to her I met somebody about whom after a few hours of talking about random things I thought that "fuck yeah, she's got a goddamn nice personality and I will add her to my list of close friends". So we kept talking for a few days. She kept on surprising me with her personality and lifestyle. After a week of speaking with her we were talking about something, I can't remember what were we talking about, I read her message. Somehow I looked down at the chat again and I saw that I wrote down "I want to hug you so fucking much right now", I didn't send it though. I realised something in that moment, I did like her. I liked her a lot, she was special. She had everything that I ever wanted to see in a human being, every damn quality that could make me happy. But I am that kind of guy who doesn't have the balls to tell a girl that he likes her. So I kept talking to her like I didn't care more about her than I'd care about a friend. A few days later I got to meet with her, I did hug her, in that moment I felt like I was the happiest man alive. And the rest of what happened is irrelevant. But what I wanted to say is that after all that time of being a feelingless scumbag she managed somehow to change that fact. I decided to keep living like I have no soul when I'm speaking with anybody except her. And the little light in the darkness of my soul got bigger and in that light I can see now a pair of some fucking gorgeous brown eyes which make me feel like a little boy full of emotions whenever I look into them. I find life very fun now because I live it in two different ways, I am a soulless piece of shit with everybody but when I meet her I am a little dog which needs and gives affection.
This would be a short introduction of myself, in the next chapters I will write about every emotion and how I see it, how I felt about it in every stage of my journey in the world of psychology and feelings.
