Summer Time Take Back

The Big L Word

That's right. Lesbian. The big L that doesn't stand for loser, even though that's another word that would describe me pretty well. I've know that I was a lesbian since I was around six. Guys were never of interest. Dating them just didn't feel right, it was almost exhausting. Last year my aunt was suspicious of me because I was showing "homosexual tendencies," so I found myself a boyfriend. It didn't work out well, especially considering that when he tried to kiss me my first reaction was to turn away. He tried to come onto me once which resulted in me leaving a boot print on his chest, needless to say we don't talk anymore. It kept my family off my back so it didn't bother me too much. It'd be great if the whole sexuality thing came in a handbook. A copy of How To Talk To Girls: A Guide For The Lesbian Beginner, would also be nice. Girls are probably some of the most gorgeous creatures in the known universe. The only problem is, whenever one of them talks to me my heart starts pounding and suddenly I'm a deer in headlights. They just get to me in that way, there's no way to control it or stop it. I do have a few girl friends, but honestly they just make things hard at times. Everything is platonic to them until they find out you like other girls. Cuddling, hugging, hand holding, sleeping in the same bed, it's all platonic. We're both girls, is a phrase that has been torturous to me. Once my feelings for the straight girl form it's hard to stop them. Its a killer when you fall for them hard and then they pull the
"Do you have a crush on me or something?"
Then comes the stuttering and repetition of the word no. Then they give you the eyebrows and you have to find a way to change the subject. It's like being in an interrogation room, but instead of a trained professional, you have a pretty friend. Then you've got the friend that knows your a lesbian and is constantly worried about you liking them or checking them out. Sometimes it can be hard to determine which is worse. Learning about my sexuality on television isn't exactly easy either, unless I want porn or a deep internal struggle. The Big L Word wasn't as easy at it originally seemed. Summer starts tomorrow which means there's going to be a lot of time for me to hang out with my parents. This whole staying closeted thing is going to be harder than I thought.