please be mine || grethan

Because of Me

A/N- This is going to be a series of one-shots consisting of twincest, along with fluff, angst and anything else that I can think of to write about. Most of these chapters will be written from the point of view of either Ethan or Grayson along with the third point of view depending on what I think would fit best for the actual one-shot.

Also, if you're not okay with the idea of Ethan and Grayson having an incestual relationship, that's totally cool! Honestly, I probably won't write a whole lot of smut since I enjoy writing about them in a more soft and fluffy way, but I might change my mind in the future. Additionally, in the beginning of every chapter, I'll always write an author's note letting you guys know if there's anything that might trigger others like self-harm and whatnot.

Anyways, I think this has become a longer A/N than I expected so enjoy!

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I haven't been feeling emotionally well for the past couple of days due to the pressure of getting two videos out a week, along with the amount of stress in regards to my dad, but I'm pushing my negative thoughts back, hoping that they'll go away. I'm continuously posting on my social media and acting like everything is okay when in reality, it isn't.

Grayson and I were originally going to do a challenge video with us handcuffed together for a day, but the plans for the activities we were going to do and places we were going to go fell through horribly.

I should've known that they weren't going to work out. I could barely act like nothing was bothering me in front of Grayson, but you know what they say: Fake it til you make it.

On the car ride home, I'm trying to be subtle about my anger by staring out the passenger window and drumming my fingers on my leg, but I can tell Grayson knows that I'm fuming. Hell, you can practically see the steam coming out of my ears.

We arrive at our apartment and Grayson unlocks the door, stepping inside and taking off his shoes. I walk in after him and slam the door behind me with such great force that it sounds like a gun going off. Maybe I shouldn't be so violent when I'm this angry, but I can't help it. It's like all the feelings that I'm holding in are melding with each other to create someone who isn't me.

"What the hell, Ethan?"

I roll my eyes as I walk over to the couch and sit down. I put my head in my hands. I honestly don't even think he realizes how fucking pissed off I am. But then again, it's not his fault, nor is it mine.

"This whole day has just been absolutely amazing," I mutter. Although I don't like to admit it out loud, I had always been the type of person to guard my feelings, but for the right reasons. I hate spreading negativity to others, even if I'm having a terrible day. I wouldn't tell anyone. Especially Grayson.

He leaned against the wall, crossing his arms. I sigh deeply.

"It's fine, Gray. You don't need to worry about it, it's not a big deal."

"I mean, it kind of is, Ethan," he can't bring himself to look at me. I already know that he knows. He knows he shouldn't be prying into my feelings, but that's just how he is. He's absolutely relentless and stubborn. Whether I want him to care about me or not, he just has to understand the problem and fix it because he has so much goddamn hope that he can make it better. Maybe I should just break it down to him, nice and simple. You can't fix what's already been broken from the start.

"Listen, if you want to talk about it, you know that I'm always here for you, and you know that-"

"Grayson," I interrupt him and give him a hard look. "I really don't want to talk about it. Drop it."

At this point, I don't really know why I'm being so uptight with Grayson, weren't twins supposed to be there to support each other? But here I am, pushing Grayson away like I normally do whenever I get upset. I always push people away. And sometimes, I'm not even well aware of it. I constantly feel like I'm a burden when I'm practically radiating negativity from my body, and if I told Grayson how I actually felt, I'd be tainting his tender heart with my filthy emotions and I wouldn't dare let that happen to him.

"No, I'm not gonna drop it because I know you're upset about the video. We can think of something else to do for it instead. It might take another day or two, so we most likely won't be able to get it out tomorrow, but the fans won't-"

"-Won't what?" I feel my face twist in confusion and anger. I almost start laughing at how fucking crazy he sounds. "Won't mind? Grayson, do you even hear the words coming out of your mouth right now?" I stand up and run my fingers through my hair. "We need to get this video out! They'll think that something is wrong, or-or that something went wrong and they'll get mad that we missed a Tuesday for the first time this year and..." I let myself trail off. "We'll be disappointing them all, Gray." I cross my arms in frustration and avert my gaze to the floor.

If we don't get a video out by tomorrow, it'll be the first missed Tuesday of the year. Not only would I be letting down one fan, or two, or ten, but millions. Millions of people that watch our videos. Millions of people that look to us for support and inspiration. Millions of people who think of us as their lifeline.

With the thoughts spiraling and thudding inside my head, my throat starts to swell and get tight. I clench my jaw and dig my nails into my forearm, my vision going slightly blurry as I try not to break down. I hate crying in front of Grayson. Mainly because it makes him cry as well and I undoubtedly can't handle the sight of seeing my little brother in pain.

Because of me.

At this point, I'm trying to hold everything in: my tears, my feelings, and all the fucking shit I've been holding in for a while now. I'm actually doing quite well with ignoring the avalanche of tears threatening to spill from my eyes by masking it with the pain from my forearm, but all of a sudden, I feel my lower lip quivering and I know that it's over.

One tear streams down my cheek and the rest trail after it in an endless gush.

As I'm standing there for not even a minute, trying to muster up the courage to choke out an apology to Grayson, I suddenly feel his arms gently wrap around me; despite him being taller, he rests his head in the crook of my neck.

"I just don't want to disappoint them, Gray," my words come out as a shaky whisper and I try to control my breathing, attempting to not erupt into a fit of sobs.

"It's gonna be okay," Grayson speaks softly into my ear, rubbing my back gently. "Listen to me, okay? They'll understand. They won't judge us, they won't be angry, they're our fans and you and I both know that they're all positive and understanding. You know why?"

I shake my head.

"It's because we taught them to be accepting of each other. We taught them that you shouldn't be ashamed to be who you are. It's okay to make mistakes, it's okay to not be this painted perfect image."

I feel my body trembling as I hold onto his shirt, his warmth, comfort, and love radiating off of his body. We stand there for a while as I sniffle and silently cry into his shoulder, but he slowly pulls back, his hands still holding onto my shoulder. That's when I see that his eyes are filled with tears.

"I don't want you to ever think that I wouldn't do anything for you, okay? You're my big brother. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you." he has such a determined look in his eyes, and it's as if he's trying to etch what he's saying into my mind.

I can't keep doing this, shutting people out. And the truth is, I know that Grayson cares, I really truly do. But a part of me knows that I can't drag him down. I can't make him feel the way I do: lonely, caught up in my emotions...trapped.

Yet, the way that he looks at me, his eyes pleading and begging me to give him a chance to help make things right with how I can change for the better.

I think I understand it now.

I realize that he accepts me for who I am. Whether I make mistakes, whether I completely fuck up everything, my brother will be the one to carry me, love me, and comfort me through it all.

He'll accept me for the person that I've become.

It's about time I do the same for myself.