*X-Men Christmas*
Quicksilver: *Singing Let it Snow* Oh the weather outside is frightful...
Storm: Shut up.
Quicksilver: *Still singing* And it is all Storms fault.
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Young Scott: Hey, how did you end up liking Jean? Cuz, she seems pretty into me.
Wolverine: She's going to die and then come back out of a lake and murder you. More questions?
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Apocolypse: WE'LL BUILD A BETTER ONE!
Quicksilver: *In the background* THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
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Mystique: We can't be together, Erik.
Erik: And why not?
Mystique: I still have an unresolved romance storyline with Beast.
Erik: That's alright, I have one with Charles.
Mystique: what
Erik: what
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(I ship Mystique and Erik, but I'm open to Cherik too.)
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Kitty: I like, can't even, like,... you know?
Wolverine: I hate kids.
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Young Mystique: I'm pregnant.
Young Erik: Hi, Pregnant. I'm Erik.
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Quicksilver: Can you turn into a dog?
Mystique: No.
Quicksilver: A cat?
Mystique: No.
Quicksilver: What can you turn into?
Mystique: A pain in the ass. *Transforms into Quicksilver*
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Deadpool: Am I a real live X-Man? Oh, super! I'm going to go home and sing showtunes.
Incorrect Movie Quotes
Charles: What makes you think Jean's a witch?
Nightcrawler: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Charles: A newt?
Nightcrawler: (meekly) I got better.
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Scott: I don't want to talk to you anymore, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
Logan:..Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
Scott: No, now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time.
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Quicksilver: The details of my life are quite inconsequential... Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year-old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds - pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve, I received my first scribe.
Erik: WHY? For five minutes, can you just not be yourself? FOR FIVE MINUTES!
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Beast: (To Mystique): I know we've only known each other for four weeks and three days, but to me, it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. But the fifth day, you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, but then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I-I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it. Anyway, I've decided that tomorrow when the time is right, I'm gonna ask you to marry me. If that's okay with you, just don't say anything. You've made me very happy.
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Charles: Surely you can't be serious.
Erik: I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.
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Mystique: (Teaching a class): When God created woman, he gave her not two breasts but three. When the middle one got in the way, God performed surgery. Woman stood before God, with the middle breast in hand. Said, 'What do we do with the useless boob?' And God created regular humans.
Charles: Mystique, we talked about this. You won't be allowed to teach our kindergarten mutants if you keep doing this.
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Erik: Where do babies come from?
Charles: Where do you think they come from?
Erik: Well, I think a stork drops it down, and then a hole goes in your body, and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head, and then you push your belly button, and then your butt falls off, and then you hold your butt and you have to dig, and you find a little baby.
Charles: That's exactly right.
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Charles: I'm a man!
Mystique: Well, nobody's perfect.
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Erik: I go for a look which I call dead but delicious.
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Kitty: Nice wig, Rogue. What's it made of?
Rogue: Your mom's chest hair!
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Charles: I'm more than the exalted ruler of this land and master of all I survey. I'm also a concerned dad.
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Erik: Look on the bright side. Nobody got hurt.
Charles: People got hurt.
Erik: I'm saying, I think they died quickly. So I don't think they got hurt.
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Scott: You read my diary?
Wolverine: At first I did not know it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad, handwritten book.
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YOU ARE READING
X-Men Crack Book
FanfictionJust a bunch of funny x-men stuff. Btw, there WILL be Cherik, among other ships.
