If Only (Nico Di Angelo)

Chapter One

Nico

Sure, it seems dumb but it helps. And no, I'm not talking about self harm. Fuck that, I basically starved myself for years. I'm talking about the diary I keep and write in. Every day. Because I want to. I went to therapy a long time ago and my therapist wanted me to do it. So I did.

And I love it, so I continue with it. Writing these letter to myself.

Dear Nico di Angelo,
I have to start being honest with you here. I can't lie like that anymore. Not to myself, at least. Maybe to others.
It's because of his damn (dam?) smile. Had it never been for that smile, I'd never feel like this. I'd never torture myself like this.
I'm gay.
I'm gay, and I like Percy Jackson.
I'm gay, and I like Percy Jackson because he's nice. He's fucking terrifying when he wants to be, but he's such a sweetheart. He's such a Momma's boy, too. It's kind of cute.
I think I should finally tell him. After all, it's not him and Annabeth are a package deal anymore. She broke up with him because of something in Tartarus (???) so he's been single for the past 9 months! I might have a chance!
Finger crossed. Wish me luck!
Sincerely,
                  Your best and true friend,
                                                                  me🖤

Yeah, it's fucking cheesy. I'm gay. What else do you expect?

Throwing a few small things in my drawstring just in case, I changed my shirt to something nice, made sure I didn't smell like a fucking whorehouse and headed over to Cabin 3.

I got to the door and stopped. I didn't turn away. I did not leave, and I will not leave. Not again.

I took in a breath.

As far as anyone at Camp is concerned, Percy is straight. He's never admitted to liking a guy before. Just Annabeth. And I wasn't going to make him change because I like him. That's dumb.

Oh yeah, I've had some time to think about this. I have no friends and my sister never leaves her boyfriend to do stuff.

I put my hand up to knock the door, but never got the chance to do so. He opened the door before I knocked.

"Nico!" Being the first day of summer back, I was hoping this could just be a fresh start. "I saw you walk up. Come on in. What's up?"

He seemed... Unusually happy.

Did Annabeth drag him down that badly?

I shook the thought away. Either way, they broke up and he's single and I have a crush on him that he deserves to know about. And will know about.

"Oh, uh..." I shrugged. "Not a whole lot. Just..."

"Just...?" He asked, confused for some unknown reason. "Because you can? Yes? No? If so, who are you? I'm pretty sure you hated me last summer."

"I did not hate you!" I insisted, being a stubborn person. He's stubborn, too. "I just... Didn't want to talk about it because you bad a girlfriend and we had bigger problems."

"You didn't want to talk about your crush?" At first I thought he just knew, and I was ready to kill Jason for a solid second. "On Annabeth? Everyone knows about that, Nico. I thought it was kind of cute. That you liked her and all. You took them to the Doors for her, right?"

Honey, no. You couldn't be further from the truth. That was for you. All of that was for you, because I didn't know how else to show him that I cared. It never got through.

"What? No!" I corrected that almost instantly, ignoring my anxiety. "I never did any of that for... For her."

"Why else would you do it?" It's understandable that he wouldn't get it, being he knows what generation I sort of come from. "I mean..."