homophobic

dark

Louis

" and when you call me baby !!
I know I m not the only one .... "

With that last line , Sam Smith's song ended as well as my night jogging .

I looked up at the empty park . The park was dark , let's hope someone kidnaps me !

Oh ! No Louis! No one wants you , you are a flithy 54kg of bad luck .  !

My brain mocked me making my heart cry.  But when the whole world mock's you , when your own father hated you and all you can wonder why ! These daily mocks from myself to me meant nothing .

The park was dark , silent and empty . Just like me .

This darkness , it doesn't haunt me now , it's a part of me .  This silence don't scare me it's my companion and this emptiness is all what my soul is filled off . How can be afraid of the things which make , which be with me , which are the only thing that I can call as mine . 

I looked at my watch , 10:50 pm . Perfect time to go back home . Since I had lunch today , their was no way I would be given dinner .

I just kept walking .  I don't understand sometimes why do I have to suffer so much .

Wonder , where it all went wrong .

I stopped by the church were I go daily . No matter how much shit I go through , I know that God is there . Always .

I entered church without any candles only because I didn't had money to buy even a single one . I know God is not mean at all . He won't hate me for the sake of one candle .

So , with no light in my hands but with all the hopes , I entered church .

It was silent , again and all I could do is laugh and cry at same time .

I bent down on my knees and cried . Complaint all about my life .

Sometimes I wonder that God even get tired of hearing me , repeating all those things daily but then I remember that all I have is God with me.

I still hope . Which always crushes me down .

I existed from the church and entered the place where I live . You know other people also call it as home . Hah ! Home . For me , it was a hell hole. 

I heard low sounds coming from my father's room . Nothing was different they are having sex .

And then , I went upstairs to my room . I was glad to see that at least Harry is sleeping  .

Harry, who was my step brother was an early sleeper and that was God's biggest favour that god could do to me .

I silently entered my room and placed my uniform on my beds side making sure it's all tidy. 

And slept . Hoping I don't wake up .